For about a year and a half, I've been feeling an overwhelming sense of loneliness. Actually, that's not true. I think it's something I've felt my entire life. Of course, there are times when it's not as bad and I feel like I have some sort of support system. Then, there are times when it's worse and I feel like I can't support my emotional self. For the last few years, it's been worse.
Last November was the last time I really felt loved and accepted and wanted and needed and all those things people say but it's hard to feel. This November, people came to my birthday parties but I felt alone anyway. I know it's one of those things where I may be the only person who can change. Damn it, I wish I didn't feel this way.
Maybe it's feeling this way that drives the people in my life away. Maybe it's that I can be intense. Maybe it's just the person I'm supposed to be. But maybe there's something more. I just get this nagging feeling like I'm intended for something more than the life I'm living. There's a weight on me and I can't push it off. I don't go out of my way to make people like me. I am who I am and I do the things I do. And is that not enough?
There are a few people in my life that see me for the person I am and the person I can be and the person I want to be. There are a few. Two of them are in New Zealand. Another one in Seattle. There are a couple around town but I feel like a burden. And I don't know how to get past that feeling. Every now and then I get validation from people I don't expect it out of and I'm floating for a period of time. And then it goes away. Because those people go away. What do I keep doing that makes them go away? I really should start looking within myself and all of that. But everything in me tells me I'm in this alone. I will get from point A to point B alone. Should I accept that and move on?
Because I don't want to. What is life but something to share with others. God, I'm drowning here and it's all I can do to keep my head above water. My dad was right. I've got to take care of myself.
-Theresa
14 January 2009
13 January 2009
I like American Music, I guess
They tie into each other and as a whole. It might not be what it meant to the writers but it is what it meant to me. I'll link what I can.
1. Violent Femmes- American Music
When I was younger, and even now, there was often a battle over the stereo. No one ever wanted to listen to the same music. However, the one thing my siblings and I always managed to join forces on was, for the love of God, put on the American music. Understanding Arabic music was difficult as a young child because of the differences in dialects. And I didn't like it.
2. Paul Baribeau- Ten Things
I think we needed to be reminded of our mortality in positive ways. Yes, we're going to die. But there's so much you can do and appreciate in the meantime. It's a reminder.
3. Coldplay- Violet Hill
As a child, I thought saying "good night" was a huge commitment and I had trouble saying it. I favored "I'll see you later." "Good night" seemed like even much bigger commitment than loving someone forever. But I can wish people good nights all the time now. Now, I sometimes have trouble letting people know I love them. And hearing or feeling that people love me. Also, that one year, the only thing that was white was the snow.
4. Iron & Wine- Boy With a Coin
God left the ground to circle the earth. I think this song is full of sorrow. I think a lot of the sorrow in our lives is an absence of faith and love.
5. Neutral Milk Hotel- In the Aeroplane Over the Sea
It's important to remember, like with "Ten Things" to enjoy the good things while we have them and to not dwell on what's coming but just to accept it. When we meet again, things will be good.
6. Page France- Finders
I think it behooves us to look for meaning every now and then. It can bring peace. All of the finders will clap their hands.
7. John Mayer- Victoria
I moved away from home when I was seventeen to go to college. I had talked about it a lot when I was younger. I know that's not really that big of a step but I come from a culture where you don't move out unless you're getting married. It's not appropriate otherwise. I went anyway. And I didn't look back. I piled on what I could to keep not looking back.
8. Rocky Votolato- Uppers Aren't Necessary
The chorus mostly says it. We are a family driven by guilt. Unfortunately, I still live by this. But we do what we can to get by. Of course, the rest of the song says quite a bit as well. Eventually, there will be a way home.
9. Sufjan Stevens- For the Widows in Paradise, For the Fatherless in Ypsilanti
We've been through hard times. But I would still do anything for them.
10. Nickel Creek- Doubting Thomas
My last name is Thomas. The irony is not lost on me. It was a few songs ago while making this CD I realized that most of the songs had themes of loss of faith, death and a search for home and love. I've never had enough faith in my family. I often felt like they didn't have enough faith in me. Regardless, faith extends beyond the people around us. A lot of this song speaks for itself.
11. Obadiah Parker- Hey Ya
Okay, so this song doesn't seem to fit. But when I moved away in 2003, this song had just started to gain popularity. Even my dad recognized it. I think we're a family that lives in denial. We're not happy with our actions and the outcomes and we just keep going. Sometimes, that can be good. Sometimes, not.
12. Chris Bathgate- Sun Moon
My dad used to play guitar a lot more than he does now. He'd write a song for everything. He's written songs about most significant things that have happened in his life and through the course of our family's history. We used to shout out requests without knowing the full story.
13. The Weepies- Can't Go Back Now
Things were easier, in some respects, when I was younger. I didn't have to worry about money or how I was getting somewhere. Sure, I hated my life being dictated for me but it was easier. Or something. But now I'm alone in this world and I can't go back. It was my dad who told me I was alone in this and needed to take care of myself because no one else would. And I can't go back to a time when someone else could do something and make it all better. I've got myself to count on. And that needs to matter.
14. The Corn Fed Girls- Pearlie
People change, of course. But we don't always know why. We can't always see the history. I've kept quite a bit of things in my life from my family. We are a family, or were a family, that doesn't talk about problems. Things happen. In 2004, I found out what made a little boy so mean. I've still held my secrets.
15. The Avett Brothers- Murder in the City
Again, I moved away. But I never wanted them to worry. I remember asking my parents, as I think many kids do, which of us they loved the most. And I remember them saying they loved us all the same, that there was no measure. There is nothing worth sharing like the love that let's us share our name. This is my letter in the desk.
16. Ray Lamontagne- Empty
As a family and as individuals, we've been through a lot. And I get the sense that we often wonder if we'll always feel the way we do. We also had the tendency to relive our hauntings. It is difficult to let go. And so we hold on.
17. The Format- On Your Porch
About ten years ago, my dad was sick. The doctors weren't sure if he would recover or what he had. I spent a lot of time hiding in a tent that summer. I didn't pull the weeds out of my dad's garden and it became overgrown. That was the year we got a computer and the internet and I started writing what I'm embarrassed to call poetry. But my dad got better. He still isn't exactly like he was before. He doesn't have full feeling in his hands and is constantly tired. I'm convinced that he is better because of the love my mother poured on him. And those years were hard. And they still are. My family isn't the most encouraging. I think they mean to. They've never told me that if I fail, I wouldn't fail to them. I imagine it comes down to pride. I imagine they would keep loving me if they could. But I do know that if I fail, it'll still be okay, because I don't think there is much more to lose. At least I gave it a shot. Here's to stepping into the sun. Alone.
18. Eef Barzelay- Lose Big
A continuation. I've decided that regardless of whether I'm supported or not, I'm going to go for the dreams I have. If I'm going to lose, oh, I'll lose big.
19. Death Cab For Cutie- I Will Follow You into the Dark
Part of being Chaldean is being Catholic. Regardless of what happens, I would do anything for my family that is bad at expressing love.
20. Foo Fighters- Home
I have a strong desire to feel like I'm home. Most of the things I do pull me further away. But it's the people I've loved and the things I haven't regretted. Echoes and Silence. Patience and Grace.
21. The Avett Brothers- Will You Return
I am the pretty little gal, with pretty little curls. It's hard to see the beauty sometimes. My parents often ask when I'll come home next and all I can tell them is that I don't know. It's often hard to say the next time I'll be there. It's harder to say the next time I'll feel there. Will I go again? It's hard to say. I surely hope so.
22. Sufjan Stevens- Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing
With faith lacking, it is important to remember the things that matter. And I can't always feel at home with my family, there has to be some place. I am quite prone to wander. But I think we all are.
1. Violent Femmes- American Music
When I was younger, and even now, there was often a battle over the stereo. No one ever wanted to listen to the same music. However, the one thing my siblings and I always managed to join forces on was, for the love of God, put on the American music. Understanding Arabic music was difficult as a young child because of the differences in dialects. And I didn't like it.
2. Paul Baribeau- Ten Things
I think we needed to be reminded of our mortality in positive ways. Yes, we're going to die. But there's so much you can do and appreciate in the meantime. It's a reminder.
3. Coldplay- Violet Hill
As a child, I thought saying "good night" was a huge commitment and I had trouble saying it. I favored "I'll see you later." "Good night" seemed like even much bigger commitment than loving someone forever. But I can wish people good nights all the time now. Now, I sometimes have trouble letting people know I love them. And hearing or feeling that people love me. Also, that one year, the only thing that was white was the snow.
4. Iron & Wine- Boy With a Coin
God left the ground to circle the earth. I think this song is full of sorrow. I think a lot of the sorrow in our lives is an absence of faith and love.
5. Neutral Milk Hotel- In the Aeroplane Over the Sea
It's important to remember, like with "Ten Things" to enjoy the good things while we have them and to not dwell on what's coming but just to accept it. When we meet again, things will be good.
6. Page France- Finders
I think it behooves us to look for meaning every now and then. It can bring peace. All of the finders will clap their hands.
7. John Mayer- Victoria
I moved away from home when I was seventeen to go to college. I had talked about it a lot when I was younger. I know that's not really that big of a step but I come from a culture where you don't move out unless you're getting married. It's not appropriate otherwise. I went anyway. And I didn't look back. I piled on what I could to keep not looking back.
8. Rocky Votolato- Uppers Aren't Necessary
The chorus mostly says it. We are a family driven by guilt. Unfortunately, I still live by this. But we do what we can to get by. Of course, the rest of the song says quite a bit as well. Eventually, there will be a way home.
9. Sufjan Stevens- For the Widows in Paradise, For the Fatherless in Ypsilanti
We've been through hard times. But I would still do anything for them.
10. Nickel Creek- Doubting Thomas
My last name is Thomas. The irony is not lost on me. It was a few songs ago while making this CD I realized that most of the songs had themes of loss of faith, death and a search for home and love. I've never had enough faith in my family. I often felt like they didn't have enough faith in me. Regardless, faith extends beyond the people around us. A lot of this song speaks for itself.
11. Obadiah Parker- Hey Ya
Okay, so this song doesn't seem to fit. But when I moved away in 2003, this song had just started to gain popularity. Even my dad recognized it. I think we're a family that lives in denial. We're not happy with our actions and the outcomes and we just keep going. Sometimes, that can be good. Sometimes, not.
12. Chris Bathgate- Sun Moon
My dad used to play guitar a lot more than he does now. He'd write a song for everything. He's written songs about most significant things that have happened in his life and through the course of our family's history. We used to shout out requests without knowing the full story.
13. The Weepies- Can't Go Back Now
Things were easier, in some respects, when I was younger. I didn't have to worry about money or how I was getting somewhere. Sure, I hated my life being dictated for me but it was easier. Or something. But now I'm alone in this world and I can't go back. It was my dad who told me I was alone in this and needed to take care of myself because no one else would. And I can't go back to a time when someone else could do something and make it all better. I've got myself to count on. And that needs to matter.
14. The Corn Fed Girls- Pearlie
People change, of course. But we don't always know why. We can't always see the history. I've kept quite a bit of things in my life from my family. We are a family, or were a family, that doesn't talk about problems. Things happen. In 2004, I found out what made a little boy so mean. I've still held my secrets.
15. The Avett Brothers- Murder in the City
Again, I moved away. But I never wanted them to worry. I remember asking my parents, as I think many kids do, which of us they loved the most. And I remember them saying they loved us all the same, that there was no measure. There is nothing worth sharing like the love that let's us share our name. This is my letter in the desk.
16. Ray Lamontagne- Empty
As a family and as individuals, we've been through a lot. And I get the sense that we often wonder if we'll always feel the way we do. We also had the tendency to relive our hauntings. It is difficult to let go. And so we hold on.
17. The Format- On Your Porch
About ten years ago, my dad was sick. The doctors weren't sure if he would recover or what he had. I spent a lot of time hiding in a tent that summer. I didn't pull the weeds out of my dad's garden and it became overgrown. That was the year we got a computer and the internet and I started writing what I'm embarrassed to call poetry. But my dad got better. He still isn't exactly like he was before. He doesn't have full feeling in his hands and is constantly tired. I'm convinced that he is better because of the love my mother poured on him. And those years were hard. And they still are. My family isn't the most encouraging. I think they mean to. They've never told me that if I fail, I wouldn't fail to them. I imagine it comes down to pride. I imagine they would keep loving me if they could. But I do know that if I fail, it'll still be okay, because I don't think there is much more to lose. At least I gave it a shot. Here's to stepping into the sun. Alone.
18. Eef Barzelay- Lose Big
A continuation. I've decided that regardless of whether I'm supported or not, I'm going to go for the dreams I have. If I'm going to lose, oh, I'll lose big.
19. Death Cab For Cutie- I Will Follow You into the Dark
Part of being Chaldean is being Catholic. Regardless of what happens, I would do anything for my family that is bad at expressing love.
20. Foo Fighters- Home
I have a strong desire to feel like I'm home. Most of the things I do pull me further away. But it's the people I've loved and the things I haven't regretted. Echoes and Silence. Patience and Grace.
21. The Avett Brothers- Will You Return
I am the pretty little gal, with pretty little curls. It's hard to see the beauty sometimes. My parents often ask when I'll come home next and all I can tell them is that I don't know. It's often hard to say the next time I'll be there. It's harder to say the next time I'll feel there. Will I go again? It's hard to say. I surely hope so.
22. Sufjan Stevens- Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing
With faith lacking, it is important to remember the things that matter. And I can't always feel at home with my family, there has to be some place. I am quite prone to wander. But I think we all are.
12 January 2009
If It's the Beaches
An update in lists:
Things I can do to keep my mind off:
1. Clean
2. Learn Guitar
3. Find a better job
4. Apply to graduate school
5. Drink
6. Drive
7. Make a new mix CD about things that make me happy
8. Sleep
9. Work more
10. Make lists
11. Study
12. Not cat sit
13. Work out
14. Plan
Things that are probably true:
1. It sometimes takes me time to find the right words, making me not the best of all communicators.
2. I over think absolutely everything.
3. I meant what I said. I mean what I say every time.
4. You're busy.
5. You changed your mind
6. I need to apply myself more.
7. I always, always get ahead of myself.
8. I should drink less than I have been.
9. Life is lived in the gray areas. But having definite answers every now and then feels pretty good.
10. Money rules everything.
11. Friends, you were wrong.
Things that are true:
1. I'm starting guitar lessons on Thursday. I'm paying for them by making dinner.
2. I miss school.
3. I miss you.
4. The hugs in my life have been seriously lacking.
5. My hours were cut at one of my jobs. I have prime openings for looking for another job.
6. I don't like the way I feel the next day after eating or drinking too much.
7. The only buttons that work on my phone are as follows: 1, 3, 5, 7, *, Send, End, Messages and Contacts.
8. I think I like it when people call me.
9. Even though I'm a bad phone person, I get better with practice.
10. I don't want to be here anymore.
Things I can do to keep my mind off:
1. Clean
2. Learn Guitar
3. Find a better job
4. Apply to graduate school
5. Drink
6. Drive
7. Make a new mix CD about things that make me happy
8. Sleep
9. Work more
10. Make lists
11. Study
12. Not cat sit
13. Work out
14. Plan
Things that are probably true:
1. It sometimes takes me time to find the right words, making me not the best of all communicators.
2. I over think absolutely everything.
3. I meant what I said. I mean what I say every time.
4. You're busy.
5. You changed your mind
6. I need to apply myself more.
7. I always, always get ahead of myself.
8. I should drink less than I have been.
9. Life is lived in the gray areas. But having definite answers every now and then feels pretty good.
10. Money rules everything.
11. Friends, you were wrong.
Things that are true:
1. I'm starting guitar lessons on Thursday. I'm paying for them by making dinner.
2. I miss school.
3. I miss you.
4. The hugs in my life have been seriously lacking.
5. My hours were cut at one of my jobs. I have prime openings for looking for another job.
6. I don't like the way I feel the next day after eating or drinking too much.
7. The only buttons that work on my phone are as follows: 1, 3, 5, 7, *, Send, End, Messages and Contacts.
8. I think I like it when people call me.
9. Even though I'm a bad phone person, I get better with practice.
10. I don't want to be here anymore.
11 January 2009
08 January 2009
Devonne Chronicles
I was waiting on a patron when a patron I had helped earlier (the Devonne in question) appeared to my left. Our interaction before had been me checking out some materials to him. Here is what transpired:
(T)heresa: (looking to my left) Did you need help with something?
(D)evonne: Yeah, but I can wait.
T: Okay, but it's going to be a minute.
(I look over and he's still there. I notice that he's gone but shows up again five minutes later.)
T: Did you still need help with something?
D: Yeah.
T: What did you need help with?
D: I have a question.
T: Okay, what is it?
D: (mumblemumblemumble)
T: I'm sorry, can you repeat that?
D: Do you have a man?
T: Yes. Thank you. (And I walked away.)
Run ins with Devonnes don't quite give me the boost in confidence one might expect. Instead, I feel dirty. Of course, that could be the week without a shower.
-Theresa
(T)heresa: (looking to my left) Did you need help with something?
(D)evonne: Yeah, but I can wait.
T: Okay, but it's going to be a minute.
(I look over and he's still there. I notice that he's gone but shows up again five minutes later.)
T: Did you still need help with something?
D: Yeah.
T: What did you need help with?
D: I have a question.
T: Okay, what is it?
D: (mumblemumblemumble)
T: I'm sorry, can you repeat that?
D: Do you have a man?
T: Yes. Thank you. (And I walked away.)
Run ins with Devonnes don't quite give me the boost in confidence one might expect. Instead, I feel dirty. Of course, that could be the week without a shower.
-Theresa
07 January 2009
I just realized
I don't know what the hell dating looks like. Is it the holding hands and the kissing? Is it the promises of love and never leaving? Sharing? Seeing? What? What makes a couple?
I know what friendships look like because I've held onto a few and managed to run quite a few others into the ground. And is a dating relationship just a few steps beyond that? Is it the "I see you often and I want to see you more and kiss you lots"? Or is it the "I can see you in my life forever"? Or is that too many steps beyond friendship? I don't really get it. I've spent large chunks of my life sabotaging any chance I might have had at love due to my crippling insecurities. And now, what do I do?
I realize that dating or love or whatever is different for everyone. And with everyone. I saw a couple on New Year's Day walking up and down the street. She was yelling for some reason. And shoving him for the same reason, probably. Ten minutes later, she had quieted down and they were holding hands. That's dating? Really? I don't get it.
Why I'm probably bad at dating:
I'm bad at the phone.
I get nervous if I'm not sure how you'll react.
Because of my glaring insecurities, I need more validation than I thought.
If I could live my life inside a hug, I would.
I HATE playing games. But I know how to.
I don't mind paying for myself.
I don't like chocolate.
My idea of a good time changes from day to day.
I don't shave my legs enough.
I get "feelings" about things and they're usually right.
I think out loud.
A lot.
I haven't in a while.
I'm a bad compliment acceptor.
I'm an all-in kind of person when it comes to people. If I say I care, I do. If I have made an effort to keep you in my life, there's a reason. If it comes to dating, I'm all in. If it's a friendship, I'm all it. Need help? You guessed it. It takes a lot of work on my part to change my own mind. Maybe that's too intense. So, I'm an all-in kind of person. Maybe I need to be better at bluffing. Oh, I forgot that I hate speaking in metaphors.
-Theresa
I know what friendships look like because I've held onto a few and managed to run quite a few others into the ground. And is a dating relationship just a few steps beyond that? Is it the "I see you often and I want to see you more and kiss you lots"? Or is it the "I can see you in my life forever"? Or is that too many steps beyond friendship? I don't really get it. I've spent large chunks of my life sabotaging any chance I might have had at love due to my crippling insecurities. And now, what do I do?
I realize that dating or love or whatever is different for everyone. And with everyone. I saw a couple on New Year's Day walking up and down the street. She was yelling for some reason. And shoving him for the same reason, probably. Ten minutes later, she had quieted down and they were holding hands. That's dating? Really? I don't get it.
Why I'm probably bad at dating:
I'm bad at the phone.
I get nervous if I'm not sure how you'll react.
Because of my glaring insecurities, I need more validation than I thought.
If I could live my life inside a hug, I would.
I HATE playing games. But I know how to.
I don't mind paying for myself.
I don't like chocolate.
My idea of a good time changes from day to day.
I don't shave my legs enough.
I get "feelings" about things and they're usually right.
I think out loud.
A lot.
I haven't in a while.
I'm a bad compliment acceptor.
I'm an all-in kind of person when it comes to people. If I say I care, I do. If I have made an effort to keep you in my life, there's a reason. If it comes to dating, I'm all in. If it's a friendship, I'm all it. Need help? You guessed it. It takes a lot of work on my part to change my own mind. Maybe that's too intense. So, I'm an all-in kind of person. Maybe I need to be better at bluffing. Oh, I forgot that I hate speaking in metaphors.
-Theresa
06 January 2009
Step into the sun
Every decision leads to the next. Maybe I'm a dreamer and my head is in the clouds. God knows there are plenty in Kalamazoo. But I still think everything happens for a reason. That being said, I don't think that I should be trying to figure out the reasons before things happen. I know I won't fully understand the reasons for my being in Kalamazoo until I've left. Maybe I think this way because I believe in God. But I also think it's possible to believe that things happen for a reason without believing in God. Possible.
I've stopped (err... am trying to stop) looking for the reasons things happen. Eventually, I will understand some things. Most, I won't. And I think I'm okay with that.
Just like you said I would be, someone has appreciated me.
There is only so much I can do. I can't control much. And I don't need to. I'm trying to let things take a natural course. And it looks a bit differently than I expected.
Doesn't it always?
-Theresa
I've stopped (err... am trying to stop) looking for the reasons things happen. Eventually, I will understand some things. Most, I won't. And I think I'm okay with that.
Just like you said I would be, someone has appreciated me.
There is only so much I can do. I can't control much. And I don't need to. I'm trying to let things take a natural course. And it looks a bit differently than I expected.
Doesn't it always?
-Theresa
03 January 2009
So this is the new year
I was going to put up the song by song explanation of the CD I made for my family. I still may, but not right now.
I may be getting ahead of myself, but I had a good New Year's Day. I'm not sure it's possible to have asked for a better one.
I don't have a camera and I still desperately want one.
I haven't made any new year's resolutions. I'm making life resolutions and, so far, I'm kind of sticking to them.
Get healthy
Weigh less
Love more
Spend less
Trust more.
I do have a tendency of getting ahead of myself. Maybe I should stop. Maybe I would if I could.
-Theresa
I may be getting ahead of myself, but I had a good New Year's Day. I'm not sure it's possible to have asked for a better one.
I don't have a camera and I still desperately want one.
I haven't made any new year's resolutions. I'm making life resolutions and, so far, I'm kind of sticking to them.
Get healthy
Weigh less
Love more
Spend less
Trust more.
I do have a tendency of getting ahead of myself. Maybe I should stop. Maybe I would if I could.
-Theresa
26 December 2008
Won't You Write the Verses on my Palm
Home for Christmas. I'll be back in Kalamazoo on Tuesday. Just in time to bring in the new year with people I'll probably not finish it with.
I made this mix for my family:
1. Violent Femmes- American Music
2. Paul Baribeau- Ten Things
3. Coldplay- Violet Hill
4. Iron & Wine- Boy With a Coin
5. Neutral Milk Hotel- In the Aeroplane Ove the Sea
6. Page France- Finders
7. John Mayer- Victoria
8. Rocky Votolato- Uppers Aren't Necessary
9. Sufjan Stevens- For the Widows in Paradise, For the Fatherless in Ypsilanti
10. Nickel Creek- Doubting Thomas
11. Obadiah Parker- Hey Ya
12. Chris Bathgate- Sun Moon
13. The Weepies- Can't Go Back Now
14. The Corn Fed Girls- Pearlie
15. The Avett Brothers- Murder in the City
16. Ray Lamontagne- Empty
17. Format- On Your Porch
18. Eef Barzelay- Lose Big
19. Death Cab For Cutie- I Will Follow You Into the Dark
20.Foo Fighters- Home
21. The Avett Brothers- Will You Return
22. Sufjan Stevens- Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing
I was going to put links to videos and stuff so that you'd listen to it. But I'm not going to. I have the songs. You should look for them. Every song is worth it.
Let's see... I'm thinking of applying for Teach for America. I haven't decided where to apply for. And I'm not even sure that I'll get in. I think they usually take people who have just graduated. But we'll see. I'm just excited to be working toward something.
I'm going to get healthy and stop being such a chubby lumpkins. I'm sure this sounds like a new year's resolution, but it's not. It's something I've wanted to do for a while and I've finally gotten the motivation to do it. I think I'll be happier and healthier and those things can't hurt. I'm making a functional work out schedule for myself that should be fun. I bought Dance Dance Revolution for Wii. I think that's a good start. I'm also going to curb my drinking a bit. Oh, and the eating. But I want to be healthy and reasonable about things.
That might be it for right now. Yeah.
-Theresa
I made this mix for my family:
1. Violent Femmes- American Music
2. Paul Baribeau- Ten Things
3. Coldplay- Violet Hill
4. Iron & Wine- Boy With a Coin
5. Neutral Milk Hotel- In the Aeroplane Ove the Sea
6. Page France- Finders
7. John Mayer- Victoria
8. Rocky Votolato- Uppers Aren't Necessary
9. Sufjan Stevens- For the Widows in Paradise, For the Fatherless in Ypsilanti
10. Nickel Creek- Doubting Thomas
11. Obadiah Parker- Hey Ya
12. Chris Bathgate- Sun Moon
13. The Weepies- Can't Go Back Now
14. The Corn Fed Girls- Pearlie
15. The Avett Brothers- Murder in the City
16. Ray Lamontagne- Empty
17. Format- On Your Porch
18. Eef Barzelay- Lose Big
19. Death Cab For Cutie- I Will Follow You Into the Dark
20.Foo Fighters- Home
21. The Avett Brothers- Will You Return
22. Sufjan Stevens- Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing
I was going to put links to videos and stuff so that you'd listen to it. But I'm not going to. I have the songs. You should look for them. Every song is worth it.
Let's see... I'm thinking of applying for Teach for America. I haven't decided where to apply for. And I'm not even sure that I'll get in. I think they usually take people who have just graduated. But we'll see. I'm just excited to be working toward something.
I'm going to get healthy and stop being such a chubby lumpkins. I'm sure this sounds like a new year's resolution, but it's not. It's something I've wanted to do for a while and I've finally gotten the motivation to do it. I think I'll be happier and healthier and those things can't hurt. I'm making a functional work out schedule for myself that should be fun. I bought Dance Dance Revolution for Wii. I think that's a good start. I'm also going to curb my drinking a bit. Oh, and the eating. But I want to be healthy and reasonable about things.
That might be it for right now. Yeah.
-Theresa
09 December 2008
She says "wake up, it's no use pretending"
So I think I'm tired of skirting around issues. I'm going big for lack of want of going home. Where is that anyway? Yeah, I know. It's written on me. But it's lonely there. I mean, if we're getting to the heart of the matter. Ha.
That being said, my limited reader base, I've decided to declare this blog and my life a "bullshit free zone" (BSFZ). In this BSFZ, I don't lie or pretend like things don't matter. I am honest but still kind. I am true to myself because, damn it, if I'm not, who will be? I won't be so fucking sorry for everything I do. It's not that I won't feel remorse. I am still often sorry for things that I feel I could have changed for the better but didn't. It's just that I think there are healthier things to feel than sorrow for things that are outside of my control.
That being said, Things I'm Not Sorry For:
Telling you to turn your music down.
Telling you how you actually come across.
Drinking tequila.
Caring.
Being honest.
Feeling the way I feel.
Being the person that I am.
Loving you.
Not loving when I wasn't supposed to.
Making mistakes I learn from.
Wanting.
Apologizing and meaning it.
We are in the BSFZ. Here, all that matters is that you are yourself. Here, if you don't give a shit, don't expect me to. Here, I live my life as I believe it is intended to be lived. Or at least try to. If that's not good enough for you, I'm not going to be sorry. Good God, I think what I would be is relieved to no longer have you in my life. What I'm saying here is that I'm going to start putting thought and intentions to action. It's all good and great that I want to be someone better. It doesn't matter if I do nothing about it.
One will spread our ashes 'round the yard.
-Theresa
That being said, my limited reader base, I've decided to declare this blog and my life a "bullshit free zone" (BSFZ). In this BSFZ, I don't lie or pretend like things don't matter. I am honest but still kind. I am true to myself because, damn it, if I'm not, who will be? I won't be so fucking sorry for everything I do. It's not that I won't feel remorse. I am still often sorry for things that I feel I could have changed for the better but didn't. It's just that I think there are healthier things to feel than sorrow for things that are outside of my control.
That being said, Things I'm Not Sorry For:
Telling you to turn your music down.
Telling you how you actually come across.
Drinking tequila.
Caring.
Being honest.
Feeling the way I feel.
Being the person that I am.
Loving you.
Not loving when I wasn't supposed to.
Making mistakes I learn from.
Wanting.
Apologizing and meaning it.
We are in the BSFZ. Here, all that matters is that you are yourself. Here, if you don't give a shit, don't expect me to. Here, I live my life as I believe it is intended to be lived. Or at least try to. If that's not good enough for you, I'm not going to be sorry. Good God, I think what I would be is relieved to no longer have you in my life. What I'm saying here is that I'm going to start putting thought and intentions to action. It's all good and great that I want to be someone better. It doesn't matter if I do nothing about it.
One will spread our ashes 'round the yard.
-Theresa
08 December 2008
Only love is all maroon
Um, I suppose it's been a while since I've written. I had my tests done. I got the less invasive procedure for a few reasons. I couldn't have been happier about it. My results came back normal, which is great. I don't actually want something wrong with me. However, this means there's only one solution to the problem and I have to accept being on medication for, well, ever. I'm going in to talk to the doctor tomorrow. We'll discuss the options. Maybe this will fix the crazy? Oh, and I'll be getting my allergy test done as well.
Sky is womb and she's the moon.
I researched some graduate schools yesterday. For publishing. All the ones I found are on the east coast. I suppose location doesn't have to matter. I think I may just be tired of the thought of what comes next. I was sitting in the living room a few days ago with my roommate and kept looking out the window because one of my friends was coming over and I hadn't seen him in months. I realized, thanks to the roommate, that it's not that I'm impatient. God knows, I can be a very patient person. I'm anxious. It explains the driving thing. And the whole unsettled feeling of what I'm doing with my life. I'm anxious about what might happen or what won't. If I know something is going to happen, I don't get nervous. I become full with anticipation. I am anticipating my future. But, man, I just wish the future was here already.I wish I knew what I really wanted. I wish I knew how to get what I really wanted.
Today, I think I will tackle looking at schools for linguistics. Rather, some time this week, I think I might tackle that. Publishing or editing is really something I enjoy doing. Okay, so is linguistics. But I can make a job out of publishing. After linguistics, or before linguistics, I'll also be looking more into school where I can get a teaching degree.
Sky is womb and she's the moon.
I researched some graduate schools yesterday. For publishing. All the ones I found are on the east coast. I suppose location doesn't have to matter. I think I may just be tired of the thought of what comes next. I was sitting in the living room a few days ago with my roommate and kept looking out the window because one of my friends was coming over and I hadn't seen him in months. I realized, thanks to the roommate, that it's not that I'm impatient. God knows, I can be a very patient person. I'm anxious. It explains the driving thing. And the whole unsettled feeling of what I'm doing with my life. I'm anxious about what might happen or what won't. If I know something is going to happen, I don't get nervous. I become full with anticipation. I am anticipating my future. But, man, I just wish the future was here already.
Today, I think I will tackle looking at schools for linguistics. Rather, some time this week, I think I might tackle that. Publishing or editing is really something I enjoy doing. Okay, so is linguistics. But I can make a job out of publishing. After linguistics, or before linguistics, I'll also be looking more into school where I can get a teaching degree.
Schools for publishing that show any promise at all:
Emerson College in Boston, MA
Rosemont College in Rosemont, PA
The rest on my list have a minus sign (as in, I didn't like them) or a question mark (as in, I couldn't find any information about the program on the website). I'm just looking through a printed graduate school guide and know that there is more research to be done. I think if I looked into information science, there might be more to know. Also, I believe that there's a program at University of Denver. Otherwise, why would they have a summer program, right?
I worry too much. Soon, things will happen better than I could have hoped. All this anxiety will have been for naught. I wish knowing that that was true was enough to get me out of this.
Do I really want to move to the east coast?
-Theresa
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