I just realized

I don't know what the hell dating looks like. Is it the holding hands and the kissing? Is it the promises of love and never leaving? Sharing? Seeing? What? What makes a couple?

I know what friendships look like because I've held onto a few and managed to run quite a few others into the ground. And is a dating relationship just a few steps beyond that? Is it the "I see you often and I want to see you more and kiss you lots"? Or is it the "I can see you in my life forever"? Or is that too many steps beyond friendship? I don't really get it. I've spent large chunks of my life sabotaging any chance I might have had at love due to my crippling insecurities. And now, what do I do?

I realize that dating or love or whatever is different for everyone. And with everyone. I saw a couple on New Year's Day walking up and down the street. She was yelling for some reason. And shoving him for the same reason, probably. Ten minutes later, she had quieted down and they were holding hands. That's dating? Really? I don't get it.

Why I'm probably bad at dating:

I'm bad at the phone.
I get nervous if I'm not sure how you'll react.
Because of my glaring insecurities, I need more validation than I thought.
If I could live my life inside a hug, I would.
I HATE playing games. But I know how to.
I don't mind paying for myself.
I don't like chocolate.
My idea of a good time changes from day to day.
I don't shave my legs enough.
I get "feelings" about things and they're usually right.
I think out loud.
A lot.
I haven't in a while.
I'm a bad compliment acceptor.

I'm an all-in kind of person when it comes to people. If I say I care, I do. If I have made an effort to keep you in my life, there's a reason. If it comes to dating, I'm all in. If it's a friendship, I'm all it. Need help? You guessed it. It takes a lot of work on my part to change my own mind. Maybe that's too intense. So, I'm an all-in kind of person. Maybe I need to be better at bluffing. Oh, I forgot that I hate speaking in metaphors.

-Theresa