For about a year and a half, I've been feeling an overwhelming sense of loneliness. Actually, that's not true. I think it's something I've felt my entire life. Of course, there are times when it's not as bad and I feel like I have some sort of support system. Then, there are times when it's worse and I feel like I can't support my emotional self. For the last few years, it's been worse.
Last November was the last time I really felt loved and accepted and wanted and needed and all those things people say but it's hard to feel. This November, people came to my birthday parties but I felt alone anyway. I know it's one of those things where I may be the only person who can change. Damn it, I wish I didn't feel this way.
Maybe it's feeling this way that drives the people in my life away. Maybe it's that I can be intense. Maybe it's just the person I'm supposed to be. But maybe there's something more. I just get this nagging feeling like I'm intended for something more than the life I'm living. There's a weight on me and I can't push it off. I don't go out of my way to make people like me. I am who I am and I do the things I do. And is that not enough?
There are a few people in my life that see me for the person I am and the person I can be and the person I want to be. There are a few. Two of them are in New Zealand. Another one in Seattle. There are a couple around town but I feel like a burden. And I don't know how to get past that feeling. Every now and then I get validation from people I don't expect it out of and I'm floating for a period of time. And then it goes away. Because those people go away. What do I keep doing that makes them go away? I really should start looking within myself and all of that. But everything in me tells me I'm in this alone. I will get from point A to point B alone. Should I accept that and move on?
Because I don't want to. What is life but something to share with others. God, I'm drowning here and it's all I can do to keep my head above water. My dad was right. I've got to take care of myself.
-Theresa
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