09 October 2008

I waste a lot of time when I'm at work. Because I can. And I don't like it. Not that this isn't wasting time. But at least it gets my thoughts out of my head.

I thought I was going to Grand Rapids on Saturday. As it turns out, Grand Rapids is a stop. To the Ludington area.

Breathe and I will extract a meaning into existence.

It's sort of strange working at night. Mondays and Wednesdays my work day doesn't start until 12:30. Tuesday, five. Thursday, three. That's why I can have another job. What am I going to do with that time? Stay up until five? I mean, I could. I would. But that can't happen all the time. So, I'm going to be responsible and focus my energy on things that are at the very least relatively fruitful. I'm going to pay off my stupid debt.

I decided not to defer my loans. As much as I don't want to pay them back right now, I know that I would end up using the extra money rather than saving it. Not that that's terrible. It's just become important to me to get out of debt. And I want to be able to do it in sooner than ten years from now. I will have just turned twenty-three when I have to start paying off my loans. Which means that if I'm never late with a payment, I will have paid everything off by the time I'm thirty-three. If I get a job that allows me to save enough money, I am looking to cut that back a few years. I suppose it's mostly dependent on when/if I go to graduate school.

Seriously, what the fuck am I supposed to do with my life?

I'm less tired today. Less delusional.

I took you down a notch. But I had to.

I worry that I will follow and call it a plan. I'm not sure if I think that's okay. I'm not sure.

Today, I know these things:

My computer is functional.
Listening to Neutral Milk Hotel is like waking up after a bad day, realizing nothing has changed and moving on.
I worry too much.
I'm afraid to make decisions because if I fail, I have nowhere to land.
Sometimes cutting people out of your life is the best decision you can make.
Sometimes letting new people into your life is an even better decision.
I like the way my fingers feel after practicing guitar. I wish I could share the sensation.
I have not received enough hugs.
I am not too old for this. I am just old enough.
I am not too young to understand. I am too old.

Different day. I had to finish reading a math test to a student yesterday. So I didn't finish. But this post talks about matters in terms of days. And today is a different one. Back date.


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