Is it overwhelming

to use a crane to crush a fly?

Well, Halloween, you've certainly brought my fears to fruition. I am dressed as a crazy cat lady. Maybe I should have gone for sexy instead of accuracy. Walking to work, I realized I looked more homeless than anything. Grey sweatpants, long (to the middle of my shins) shirt/dress with a polka dot and floral pattern, white leopard print jacket, babushka, cat ears, gloves, plastic bags. Indoors, I'm also wearing slippers. With sheep on them. Oh, and I'm carrying around a stuffed cat. Yeah, one foot in the grave.

Due to health issues, I have been exuding overwhelming amounts of crazy. I thank and apologize to those who have dealt with me. I've been sleeping more and drinking less.

What difference does self-aware make? Just because I know why I'm doing or thinking what I'm doing or thinking doesn't make those things any better.

I'm no longer moved to drink strong whiskey.

I talked to Justin and Natalie for about a half hour on Tuesday. It was good. It's always good.

I would apologize for who I am, but no one else does. And I'm not really sorry about it. I am who I am who I am who... For the most part, that's good enough for me. I've got coffee. It only ever treated me poorly when I started getting an ulcer during my last semester in school. Even then, it was not offended when I had to say no for a little while. It has fully embraced my return.

I wrote a new poem. I don't hate it. I have another idea. But just half of one.

-Theresa

Hundred Years

Hundred more

Unfortunately, I am a person with many defenses. I often find some I didn't know I had or had forgotten about. But I've got them. And I'm working on getting rid of them. The bad ones, anyway.

Today's list of facts:

I'm so defensive about the things I should do, when people ask questions, I tell them what I think they want to hear.
I want to get married.
I want kids.
I want to stay at home for the first couple years and take care of them. Or not.
I'm okay being the "supporter" and am getting used to the idea of being the "supportee" in a marriage.
In a relationship, I want to be pursued in the least creepy way possible.
I have a hard time with all these things because I'm trying to balance what my family says I should be and what society says I should be. They seem to be exact opposites. (I spelled that wrong but I have a secondary click region on my trackpad and was able to fix it without hitting ctrl first.)
I've spent so much time trying to avoid affections or settling for the wrong kinds of love that I'm afraid I'm getting it all wrong.
I miss the sunshine. But I love the wind.
Even though I don't particularly enjoy driving, I love road trips.
I've been particularly bad at holding words in lately.
I'm surprised that it's been difficult to find more people to play Settlers with.
It's been longer than a month since I went grocery shopping. And, potentially, did laundry.
Reading you is more difficult than I had hoped.

Potential job plans I've been considering:

1. Pick a state. Move there. Get a teaching degree. Teach.
2. Get into Georgetown. Get PhD in Arabic Sociolinguistics. Make this list again.
3. (Thanks to Kensey) Get into UofM's Information Science program. Become a librarian. Pick a state. Move there. Librarianize.
4. Get a job at any random Starbucks. Be a barista forever. Transfer every now and then.
5. Find someone else's dreams to leech onto. Follow.
6. Drifter.
7. Write forever.
8. Pick a city with an Apple store. Get a job there. Help people with computers. (It's okay, I'm laughing too.)
9. Somehow, become a research assistant and follow teams around assisting with research.
10. Find someone to pay me to travel.
11. Find a school for publishing. Get in. Go there. Become a Copy Editor or and Acquisitions Editor.
12. Become a booking agent for a music venue.
13. Groupie.
14. Vice President.

We'll see where this takes me.

My computer? Wonderful. Except it thinks I'm in GMT and refuses to believe otherwise.

-Theresa

A faith, restored.

Yesterday, I received a phone call from the Apple store I took my computer to. Jeff, a manager there, decided that after looking at the multiple case reports on my computer, a new computer was in order. That's right. I'm getting a new computer.

I had the choice between the MacBook White or the new MacBook because I had put so much extra money into the machine I bought before. The choice seemed relatively clear but I spent the night thinking about it anyway. I also consulted (read: IMed) a friend about what he thought was best. New aluminum MacBook it is. I don't mind making an hour drive when what I am returning with is better than what I dropped off.

So, Apple, thank you. I'm sorry for having doubted you.

The jerk of an associate? He's getting talked to. I don't want to get him in trouble. He's not going to be.

Jeff, the manager, went to Western and his fiance's name is also Theresa. As I write this, he is starting the data transfer that will take twenty hours. I will have my computer tomorrow.

Oh, and I was instructed to call up Apple Care and ask for a refund since I still have a year's worth of service. They'll refund a year's worth of what I paid since the new computer will already have a yearlong warranty on it and it doesn't make sense to transfer the time. And I can still buy the new warranty for student pricing.

In all honesty, this is not what I expected. But I am pleased (elated) to say the least. Thank you again, Apple, for realizing what needed to be done to both satisfy and keep a customer. My faith in you is restored.

-Theresa

Apple, I expected more.

I took my computer to Grand Rapids yesterday. There is an Apple store in the Woodland mall. Yesterday, I lost most of my faith in Apple. Today, I gained a bit back. But it's a bit of too little, too late.

The "Mac Genius" I worked with yesterday was more anxious to get to lunch than he was to work with me. I understand. I get it. I worked in retail. Sometimes, you just want to get to lunch. Okay, really, the second I got to work I was thinking about going to lunch. But when people had issues, I at the very least feigned an interest in whatever it was someone was complaining about. Even if I couldn't possibly care less. That was my job: pretend to care, even if I didn't. Especially if I didn't.

I handed my computer over to said Mac Genius and spent the next five minutes in awkward silence at the counter. "Do you have a good backup of everything?" Yes. "Why are you here today?" I wanted to drive an hour out of my way so you could tell me nothing was wrong with my computer and send me back with the same computer. That gas money and time was just burning a hole. Or, there are continual problems with my computer and I have an open case number. I was hoping you could look into the problems and get me the new computer I was promised as a part of my warranty. (Silence.)

Five minutes later, he tells me that that's it. Um, so, what do I do? The Best Mac Genius Ever told me they would call me in a few days. So I got some lunch and in my car and went back to Kalamazoo. Actually, I turned to the guy to the left of the first guy I was talking to and asked him all the questions the other guy seemed far too busy to answer. Then, I got in my car.

I decided to call on my case number anyway and let the woman know what happened. She called back while I was at work and couldn't answer, of course. I called back this morning... No answer. Left a message. She finally got ahold of me about an hour ago. I told her what happened. That I think it's ridiculous that I have to keep driving an hour for them to tell me nothing is wrong with the computer. When, clearly, there is something wrong. She called, put me on hold, called the store and filed a complaint with the store. They will be shipping me my computer overnight via FedEx after they fix it and call me. I was again assured that if there's another problem, they'll replace it.

What did the Mac Genius write up for me? That they were going to replace the camera and look at the Airport. I thought that the last time there was one more problem, they would just replace the computer. Well, no, not really. Now, if there's one more problem, they'll replace it. But, really, is there anything else that can break on my computer? Is there anything else an Apple store can tell me they're going to replace and then not?

I am displeased. I am not certain my next computer is going to be a Mac. There is just as much run-around as with PC. So, maybe they answer my phone calls. And make promises. But what difference does it make if nothing gets resolved?

One more. Okay, really this time, last one. Sorry about before, this will be the last one. Promise.

Really? How do computer companies get so far ahead?

Apple sent me a survey. I filled the box with words. They asked if they could call me. I said yes, before five PM, please.

The second guy I talked to? After I asked what the computer would be replaced with, he said the newest version of my MacBook, what they're calling MacBook White. When I got my computer, I paid an extra three hundred dollars to get better specs. It brought the price of the computer to $1500. Now, the same computer, with twice as much memory and RAM is $1000, base price. I can't quite tell yet if I'm pissed about that.

Not like it matters. I'm sure things will work okay until the day after my warranty is up.

I shouldn't care as much about material things, I know.

-Theresa

If you're going to lose then

Might as well lose big then.

At work. Library.

At KVCC today, had some old regulars in. The Peacock in particular always keeps things interesting. Not good. Not bad. Just interesting. Kristalynn knows. We have ourselves a regular old farm over there.

Kalamazoo is choking me. I feel suffocated. Two different things, I know. Both having to do with the loss of oxygen. It's freezing. It's stifling. How many more adjectives do you think I can come up with? Part of me wants to succumb to all Kalamazoo has to offer. Part of me has. The rest of me wants to grow out of this place. The part that knows better is telling me to move on.

If I had a million dollars I would pay off my debt, give you some and then get on a plane and glance back but not long enough to come back.

I know why I went to college. I went because I was supposed to. And to have a reason to move away from home. Western fulfilled both criteria. I remember when I was five and I wanted to be a teacher like my dad wanted to be a teacher. He got there. I didn't. Changed paths. Prematurely, it seems. But I didn't come to college to fall in love and get married. Or to find a career. Or find God. Nor did I do those things. (Not that I would have minded had those things happened.) I'm so unattached it disgusts me. I'm single with two part-time jobs and a relationship with Jesus that I can only describe as weak. At least lately. On the Jesus, I mean. The single and multiple part-time jobs is really just par for the course.

Thoughts on the rain:

I think my favorite place to be when it's raining is inside a car.
But not as the driver.
Tea makes a rainy day perfect.
I never really hated the rain. Just the memory.
I like summer rains. Especially when the steam rises from the pavement.
I don't like wet pants.
I never don't want hugs when it's raining.
I could use a glass or bottle of wine.
Blankets and arms make the best shelters.

If my heart is my home, why do I feel so out of place most of the time?

I'm going to Grand Rapids tomorrow. The Apple store should have answers and a new computer waiting for me. The iSight problem happened again today. I was guaranteed a new computer if that ever happened again. So, I guess that's that.

I'm going to start reading Salman Rushdie's Midnight's Children.

If you think I should read a book or listen to something, let me know.

-Theresa

This isn't me

This isn't who I am.

Sometimes, life is just easier as a robot. Not better. Just easier.

I read some poems I'd written in the last couple months. They're not good, per se. There are a few lines in each one that I like. It makes me wish I was disciplined enough to turn the words into something... better.

I'm great. I'll see you tomorrow. Don't worry, I wasn't trying to convince you.

I just watched Dan in Real Life again. I saw it when it first came out. Is that just how it works? You see something you want and you just get it? Little to no work at all? If that's so, I'm quitting.

No, I'm not. No matter who I am, I don't want to be a person who has life happen to them. I don't want life to be just a thing I go through. I want to make the most of it. I suppose I don't really need to know what that best is ahead of time, do I.

Fine, I won't be a stupid robot.

The neighbors upstairs are either a) serenading their son or b) listening to Paul Baribeau. I can't tell because that's how bad the singing is . And I don't know Paul Baribeau's music well enough. Regardless, the strain in the voice makes him (the neighbor or Paul Baribeau) sound sincere. Deliciously terrible. Like thinking about the taste of the sprinkles in your ice cream.

I'm putting my fingers in my ears and going to the living room.

-Theresa

I know what I know

If you know what I mean.

We killed him. Collectively, we did everything we could to ensure his death. We succeeded. By the end of it all, it was common knowledge that we needed to join forces or die. We joined forces. We died anyway.

Working on another mix CD. Somehow, I'm lacking inspiration. The mix is too sad to give away.

Back and forth. Back and forth. Ignore every emotion, always. Back. Embrace most emotions, sometimes. Forth. Pick and choose.

I could write you a letter. Instead, I'm working on a story I had been working on before. Not sure of the title. Or where it's going. I certainly know where it's coming from.

I think I may be going to Barking Tuna Fest tonight. I feel like I'm coming down with something. I know I'm coming down with something. It's never stopped me before.

Too much I. Too much apology. Aware. Acknowledged. Mildly apologetic.

-Theresa

The Clumsy Pigeon

Pigeons are often regarded as rats with wings. But I love them. There's something magical in their waddle. The strut. Whatever it is, I can't look away when I see them.

I was not stunned or surprised in the least to find that the rustling to my right was a pigeon clumsily landing in a pile of drying leaves. Birds are supposed to be majestic creatures and this one can't even manage to stand on its own two feet. I smiled. I felt for this graceless creature. I felt a cross-species kinship. I can't even manage to get out of a car without hurting myself or somehow tripping. The image of this winged creature is still with me. I imagine that it looked to see if anyone noticed before flying away. I hope that it grows confident enough with itself to just laugh it off next time.

My love for pigeons is rekindled.

-Theresa

Things I would rather be doing than working right now:

Napping.
Hugging.
Drinking.
Watching a movie.
Pursuing a career.
Taking a shower.
Taking a walk in the rain.
Watching Heroes.
Chewing on glass.
Playing guitar.

Some of these things are more practical than others. I live in Michigan. Chances are, that rain will be snow soon. I just forgot how good it feels to be doing things you want to be doing.

Maybe I will sleep early today. But I don't have to work tomorrow until three. Three! I suppose I could sleep early and then do all the other things on my list.

On the bright side, my friend Kathy is moving into town. I think we're playing tomorrow. Maybe going to O'Duffy's to see Who Hit John? or Harvey's to do whatever happens there.

I'm not doing a great job of keeping a positive outlook while at work, am I?

Also, I'm going to try my hand at not swearing anymore. Again.

And the toner is "very low."

Edit: I shook the stupid toner because if you do that, you don't have to change it as often. I got stupid toner all over me. So much for being very low, huh?

-Theresa

At work. Again. Hey, maybe someone can start paying me to write in this thing and work can be this blog. Anyone? No? Okay.

Well, she did it.

I'm supposed to call Starbucks back in another two weeks. So, we'll see. Maybe they won't hire me until after Christmas and I won't have to go through the internal battle of more time with family or more time at work. Wouldn't that be great? But then I would probably feel like I needed to spend more time at home.

I talked to my sister today. She wants to get rid of the tattoo on her arm. Or at least part of it. I couldn't be more proud of her. It's really a big step in her life, I think. Baby steps. Ironic since she just started walking again. Anyway, we had talked about getting tattoos together in July. It seems it may be a go this November. She's coming out to visit for my birthday probably. Our cousin Angelina will probably come too. I love my family and I regret not having the emotional capacity earlier in life to get close to them all. But here I am, making amends. Or something.

That being said, it's time to start figuring our what I will say now. I've never been good with the visual design.

Oh, right. There's another hardware problem with my computer. You know what that means? I should be getting a new one. After talking to no less than four people today, it was decided I have a hardware problem and was told that instead of calling with my case number, I should just go to a store because they're more sympathetic that way. Also, rather then getting a refurbished one, I'll probably get a newer one. I don't even care if it has Leopard on it. I just want my computer to work. Do you think, that since they lowered the price, I'll get a MacBook Pro instead? Yeah, I don't either. Regardless, I have to find the time to drive to Grand Rapids and back during store hours.

Does anyone want to drive to Grand Rapids and back during store hours with me?

Jesus loves me. That's for sure.

Thank you, CocoRosie.

I think I'm hungry. And I'm not tired anymore. I think I should start cooler mornings off with tea. It's more like home than coffee will ever be.

You feel like home. The good kind. The kind engraved in my skin.

I could tell you. But I probably won't.

I started listening to Iron & Wine again thanks to the car rides this weekend. And now I can't stop. No one died Sunday. That I know of.

-Theresa

When you remember.

I sometimes forget that the past stays where it is until you bring it into the present. It's got this residue laced within it. Sometimes it's easier to wash off then others. Sometimes, the smell reminds people of. Sometimes that's enough.

I remembered I did something stupid. More, I never forgot. But such is life. Pack up. Move on.

It was a good weekend. I often wish my parents had cared more about nature. I suppose they were products of their environment. I was. And then I moved away. I would like to think I am no product. Creation, maybe. Product, no. I would like to think I can grow out. I think I can. I would like to believe it's possible.

My stupid mouth. You bet. It got me in trouble.

We live in a world of transactions. Money for goods. Time for theories. Love for hope. Memory for memory. If you then I. I would like to grow out of this. I don't always need something in return. I usually don't. But happiness and joy. Aren't they ends to a mean? I am happy because.

Don't love me because.

Under my skin. I can't taste you yet.

Yet. Bold. Defined. And not. Guaranteed eventuality. Can you count on that?

Can you count on me?

Can I count on me?

Back by popular demand. I am pulling the covers back. Over my head.

I think about the abstract idea of future too much. And I think about the present so much that it becomes surreal. And I consider the past so much that it belongs to someone else.

-----

Friends. Friends.

Friends. Friends.
New and Old.
Some make Warm
and some make Cold.

-----

I haven't heard Him enough. I haven't listened hard enough. I know. Maybe I can fast from assumptions and dragging. I want to know where I'm going. But Drifting, the kind I've been doing, I don't think it's as bad as I thought before. The problem isn't that I'm drifting. It's what I'm allowing to control the wind. New Wind. Really, same wind. New resolve.

I'm the same soul I've always been. I'm just seeing it a little differently now.

I think I'm going to look up songs. And then print them. And the practice. And practice. And play these words from my hands and my mouth. And can we trade, please?

And I will let you in.

-Theresa

Like a little bee.

I forgot how much I hate all day work days. I've been working since nine this morning. I will be done at ten this evening. I try to keep a positive outlook while I'm at work. It keeps me from feeling like I'm wasting time/life. Blah blah blah.

I think maybe I shouldn't blog when I'm in this mood. I want to sleep. Or drink. Or drink to sleep. Tomorrow I'm working 8:30 to five and then going to Ludington. I'm kind of excited.

The light at the end of today's tunnel:

I am going to Ludington tomorrow.
I will be a co-owner of Settlers of Catan soon.
I don't have to work at all on Sunday.
I won't be in Kalamazoo at all on Sunday.
Creeping is like second nature to me.
Today's work day is over in less than two hours.

(R.I.P. the memory of words that do not necessitate repeating.)

I definitely shouldn't write when I'm in moods like this.

-Theresa

I waste a lot of time when I'm at work. Because I can. And I don't like it. Not that this isn't wasting time. But at least it gets my thoughts out of my head.

I thought I was going to Grand Rapids on Saturday. As it turns out, Grand Rapids is a stop. To the Ludington area.

Breathe and I will extract a meaning into existence.

It's sort of strange working at night. Mondays and Wednesdays my work day doesn't start until 12:30. Tuesday, five. Thursday, three. That's why I can have another job. What am I going to do with that time? Stay up until five? I mean, I could. I would. But that can't happen all the time. So, I'm going to be responsible and focus my energy on things that are at the very least relatively fruitful. I'm going to pay off my stupid debt.

I decided not to defer my loans. As much as I don't want to pay them back right now, I know that I would end up using the extra money rather than saving it. Not that that's terrible. It's just become important to me to get out of debt. And I want to be able to do it in sooner than ten years from now. I will have just turned twenty-three when I have to start paying off my loans. Which means that if I'm never late with a payment, I will have paid everything off by the time I'm thirty-three. If I get a job that allows me to save enough money, I am looking to cut that back a few years. I suppose it's mostly dependent on when/if I go to graduate school.

Seriously, what the fuck am I supposed to do with my life?

I'm less tired today. Less delusional.

I took you down a notch. But I had to.

I worry that I will follow and call it a plan. I'm not sure if I think that's okay. I'm not sure.

Today, I know these things:

My computer is functional.
Listening to Neutral Milk Hotel is like waking up after a bad day, realizing nothing has changed and moving on.
I worry too much.
I'm afraid to make decisions because if I fail, I have nowhere to land.
Sometimes cutting people out of your life is the best decision you can make.
Sometimes letting new people into your life is an even better decision.
I like the way my fingers feel after practicing guitar. I wish I could share the sensation.
I have not received enough hugs.
I am not too old for this. I am just old enough.
I am not too young to understand. I am too old.

Different day. I had to finish reading a math test to a student yesterday. So I didn't finish. But this post talks about matters in terms of days. And today is a different one. Back date.

-Theresa

That one about the things.

I got the battery in the mail. It didn't fit in my computer. They sent me another one and it arrived the next day. It works! So maybe the first Mac Genius wasn't an idiot. But I was still right about over heating issues. And that's what matters. Monday, I caught a glimpse of my power supply cord. The plastic casing? Coming off. I called. They're sending me a new one. Today, it stopped working all together.

A running tally of the things on my computer that have been replaced:

Hard drive
Mother board
Keyboard
Track pad (twice)
iSight
Battery
Power supply cord
Its soul

If all goes well, this should be the last thing I need. Sure is a good thing I bought a warranty, huh?

I feel like the people I've been hanging out with lately don't expect anything of me. And I love it. I'm not tapped out. It would be that I have half the amount of time obligated to things. So every commitment doesn't feel like a tightening noose. I like that I'm not supposed to be anyone. I can be who I am and that's enough. Did that come out wrong? Not sure I care.

Damn, I wish I could figure out who I am. Anyone have any ideas?

Michael Beauchamp is playing my birthday party. The party will be 8 November. I am excited by the thought of a birthday show. Though his music isn't exactly danceable music, I like the idea of the show being the focus of the party. Oh, and me.

As of this coming weekend, I will have joint custody of Settlers of Catan.

Oh, in five days, I am to call back a Starbucks and ask for an interview. I'm pretty sure I already have the job unless I screw up something huge. Which I shouldn't. But I might. I was trying to quit drinking coffee. But now it's free. So, really, I can't say no to that.

What am I supposed to do with my life? Deliberate. Leave comments.

I am formulating new tattoo designs in my mind.

I'm shaking a little bit. I don't think it's caffeine. It could be the cold. It could be the two hours of sleep.

I could be your Queen of Carrot Flowers (part 1, 2 & 3). I promise, I won't put a fork right into your shoulder.

I've had two compliments about my shirt today. Brown and blue. Don't doubt my commitment. Then another comment about my smell. Today, the barista told me I smelled nice and ten put my coffee in the wrong cup. I flustered him. I'm okay with it. Yesterday, I was told I have a particular smell. Which I know. I've smelled pretty much the same for six years. I smell like apples. My deodorant, shampoo and hair products have changed. The apples are eternal. Take a number like five. Times ten. Times ten again.

Did I hear correctly? Is Neutral Milk Hotel going on tour?

Spaghetti. I'm okay with it. Yesterday, you called yourself a pancake. I could see it.

-Theresa