In the works

or whatever.

The more I talk about moving to Arizona, the more excited I am. There may even be a fourth person living with us. Of the apartments and houses I've scoped out on Craigslist, the only thing I notice lacking is scenery that can be described as lush. I might miss grass. I don't think I'll miss the snow.

I'm just about done with my Phoenix Teaching Fellows application. I finished writing the essays and am now in the process of editing and fine tuning them. I'm hoping to submit everything today. Here's hoping. Sarah, one of the people I would be moving with, said that where the school is located is a bit further away from where they wanted to move. I figure it's not going to hurt me to apply and maybe request an area that's closer to where we would be living.

I have to figure out if I'm going to move down there even if I don't get this job. Thoughts?

As far as my moods have been going, I'm not sure I like them. I woke up pissed this morning for little to no reason at all. Okay, there was some reason but I'm usually not that annoyed by it. Maybe it's this whole feeling like I don't belong. Or something. I really need to find my niche.

Maybe I'll just go into hiding.

Everything but sleep

I slept twelve hours last night, thinking it might help. But I always forget the real world is right there waiting for you when you wake up. I got a bill in the mail last night for my allergy testing for $701. I called this morning. They said that the insurance company didn't cover it. After I stopped crying, I called the insurance company. After the guy was done being a dick, he let me know that a subdivision of the company had covered part of it and sent a check to my permanent address. I've decided to cancel the follow-up appointment. I don't want to have to pay extra for things I know like don't breathe in mold or dust mites. Thanks. Here's seven hundred dollars. I can turn around if you'd like. If that would make this easier.

I'm looking into this whole mental health thing. It's about that time. I realized that the crazy in my head has been there forever but I'm not as busy now as I was in school and so I have more time to dwell on the crazy. I left a message. We'll see where that goes.

I'm still having ridiculous girl problems. I've giving this prescription one more month before I call the doctor and two more before I give up on it.

I realize now that I really didn't do anything wrong. If someone doesn't let you in, that's not your fault. If you let someone in and they throw shit all over your house, that's very minutely your fault but mostly not. I'm done blaming myself for the shitty guests in my house, so to speak. Done.

I really appreciate what my friends do for me. They support me in their own ways and I don't think I would have gotten this far without the people in my life. Given, I might have gotten further without some of it. But the ones that help me pick up the pieces are wonderful. And thank you. Besides someone to listen and an understanding. Oh, and sleep. I really needed a hug yesterday and Kristalynn kept dishing them out. I guess I needed a lot yesterday. The shower waited until this morning.

I feel like I should be telling myself to stop trusting people. Instead, I need to just be cautious and continue to love and trust because without those things, it would be a sad world, I think. Regardless, everything with a grain of salt.

I have another guitar lesson on Thursday. I'm going to the store to get ingredients for dinner after work. I'm not sure what I'm making yet. I'm mostly just out of food. Paying for lessons with food is like a dream. I know a scale now (g major) but I'm still not good at switching between chords. I've practiced quite a bit, I think, which is how I got the scale down. But I haven't practiced the chords enough, it seems. I hope I don't suck.

Inspiration, you are a cruel and fickle bitch.

Don't you know?

I'm the biggest idiot to gracelessly exist on this planet.

I'm not making apologies for who I am. Just what I've become.

God, I'm sorry. So, so sorry.

Arizona or bust?

How did that happen?

Some friends are moving to Phoenix, AZ and invited me to move with them. Already, the job market is remarkably better than Michigan's. I'm almost done applying for an Americorps teaching position. We'll see.

I've been internalizing a lot lately. I really want to ask the questions I want answers to. But the last time I did that taught me not to. So here I am stuck, wondering.

I've written a few poems. I think they're trash. I've learned a scale and I'm working on chord progressions next.

Minimalism. Okay.

I'm just trying to get an understanding. Does it seem odd that anyone "just" anything? To be or do just whatever is a strange concept.

Oh, hours at my school job were cut and then brought back so I don't have to go looking for another part time job in Kalamazoo. On the bright side, it did light a fire under my ass and got me to revamp my resume. It almost looks good now.

You don't have to love me. It's okay. I think I'm supposed to figure this one out on my own.

My ear hurts.

Yeah, it's overwhelming

But what else can we do

We all have different things that kill us. For many, it's internal. It's our thoughts or hopes or dreams that we ignore or take too far. For many others, it's external. It's the alcohol or drugs or recklessness. Some people can control it and some can't. Some can choose to and some cannot. And whatever happens, most of us want to feel like we're not in this alone. I think, anyway. Maybe that's what drives us to keep things in or force things out. Maybe I'm not sure what I'm talking about. But maybe that doesn't matter. There's always more. To feel or be or have or want. Always more.

Isn't it overwhelming?

I miss.

Loneliness, oh, what you do to me

For about a year and a half, I've been feeling an overwhelming sense of loneliness. Actually, that's not true. I think it's something I've felt my entire life. Of course, there are times when it's not as bad and I feel like I have some sort of support system. Then, there are times when it's worse and I feel like I can't support my emotional self. For the last few years, it's been worse.

Last November was the last time I really felt loved and accepted and wanted and needed and all those things people say but it's hard to feel. This November, people came to my birthday parties but I felt alone anyway. I know it's one of those things where I may be the only person who can change. Damn it, I wish I didn't feel this way.

Maybe it's feeling this way that drives the people in my life away. Maybe it's that I can be intense. Maybe it's just the person I'm supposed to be. But maybe there's something more. I just get this nagging feeling like I'm intended for something more than the life I'm living. There's a weight on me and I can't push it off. I don't go out of my way to make people like me. I am who I am and I do the things I do. And is that not enough?

There are a few people in my life that see me for the person I am and the person I can be and the person I want to be. There are a few. Two of them are in New Zealand. Another one in Seattle. There are a couple around town but I feel like a burden. And I don't know how to get past that feeling. Every now and then I get validation from people I don't expect it out of and I'm floating for a period of time. And then it goes away. Because those people go away. What do I keep doing that makes them go away? I really should start looking within myself and all of that. But everything in me tells me I'm in this alone. I will get from point A to point B alone. Should I accept that and move on?

Because I don't want to. What is life but something to share with others. God, I'm drowning here and it's all I can do to keep my head above water. My dad was right. I've got to take care of myself.

-Theresa

I like American Music, I guess

They tie into each other and as a whole. It might not be what it meant to the writers but it is what it meant to me. I'll link what I can.

1. Violent Femmes- American Music

When I was younger, and even now, there was often a battle over the stereo. No one ever wanted to listen to the same music. However, the one thing my siblings and I always managed to join forces on was, for the love of God, put on the American music. Understanding Arabic music was difficult as a young child because of the differences in dialects. And I didn't like it.

2. Paul Baribeau- Ten Things

I think we needed to be reminded of our mortality in positive ways. Yes, we're going to die. But there's so much you can do and appreciate in the meantime. It's a reminder.

3. Coldplay- Violet Hill

As a child, I thought saying "good night" was a huge commitment and I had trouble saying it. I favored "I'll see you later." "Good night" seemed like even much bigger commitment than loving someone forever. But I can wish people good nights all the time now. Now, I sometimes have trouble letting people know I love them. And hearing or feeling that people love me. Also, that one year, the only thing that was white was the snow.

4. Iron & Wine- Boy With a Coin

God left the ground to circle the earth. I think this song is full of sorrow. I think a lot of the sorrow in our lives is an absence of faith and love.

5. Neutral Milk Hotel- In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

It's important to remember, like with "Ten Things" to enjoy the good things while we have them and to not dwell on what's coming but just to accept it. When we meet again, things will be good.

6. Page France- Finders

I think it behooves us to look for meaning every now and then. It can bring peace. All of the finders will clap their hands.

7. John Mayer- Victoria

I moved away from home when I was seventeen to go to college. I had talked about it a lot when I was younger. I know that's not really that big of a step but I come from a culture where you don't move out unless you're getting married. It's not appropriate otherwise. I went anyway. And I didn't look back. I piled on what I could to keep not looking back.

8. Rocky Votolato- Uppers Aren't Necessary

The chorus mostly says it. We are a family driven by guilt. Unfortunately, I still live by this. But we do what we can to get by. Of course, the rest of the song says quite a bit as well. Eventually, there will be a way home.

9. Sufjan Stevens- For the Widows in Paradise, For the Fatherless in Ypsilanti

We've been through hard times. But I would still do anything for them.

10. Nickel Creek- Doubting Thomas

My last name is Thomas. The irony is not lost on me. It was a few songs ago while making this CD I realized that most of the songs had themes of loss of faith, death and a search for home and love. I've never had enough faith in my family. I often felt like they didn't have enough faith in me. Regardless, faith extends beyond the people around us. A lot of this song speaks for itself.

11. Obadiah Parker- Hey Ya

Okay, so this song doesn't seem to fit. But when I moved away in 2003, this song had just started to gain popularity. Even my dad recognized it. I think we're a family that lives in denial. We're not happy with our actions and the outcomes and we just keep going. Sometimes, that can be good. Sometimes, not.

12. Chris Bathgate- Sun Moon

My dad used to play guitar a lot more than he does now. He'd write a song for everything. He's written songs about most significant things that have happened in his life and through the course of our family's history. We used to shout out requests without knowing the full story.

13. The Weepies- Can't Go Back Now

Things were easier, in some respects, when I was younger. I didn't have to worry about money or how I was getting somewhere. Sure, I hated my life being dictated for me but it was easier. Or something. But now I'm alone in this world and I can't go back. It was my dad who told me I was alone in this and needed to take care of myself because no one else would. And I can't go back to a time when someone else could do something and make it all better. I've got myself to count on. And that needs to matter.

14. The Corn Fed Girls- Pearlie

People change, of course. But we don't always know why. We can't always see the history. I've kept quite a bit of things in my life from my family. We are a family, or were a family, that doesn't talk about problems. Things happen. In 2004, I found out what made a little boy so mean. I've still held my secrets.

15. The Avett Brothers- Murder in the City

Again, I moved away. But I never wanted them to worry. I remember asking my parents, as I think many kids do, which of us they loved the most. And I remember them saying they loved us all the same, that there was no measure. There is nothing worth sharing like the love that let's us share our name. This is my letter in the desk.

16. Ray Lamontagne- Empty

As a family and as individuals, we've been through a lot. And I get the sense that we often wonder if we'll always feel the way we do. We also had the tendency to relive our hauntings. It is difficult to let go. And so we hold on.

17. The Format- On Your Porch

About ten years ago, my dad was sick. The doctors weren't sure if he would recover or what he had. I spent a lot of time hiding in a tent that summer. I didn't pull the weeds out of my dad's garden and it became overgrown. That was the year we got a computer and the internet and I started writing what I'm embarrassed to call poetry. But my dad got better. He still isn't exactly like he was before. He doesn't have full feeling in his hands and is constantly tired. I'm convinced that he is better because of the love my mother poured on him. And those years were hard. And they still are. My family isn't the most encouraging. I think they mean to. They've never told me that if I fail, I wouldn't fail to them. I imagine it comes down to pride. I imagine they would keep loving me if they could. But I do know that if I fail, it'll still be okay, because I don't think there is much more to lose. At least I gave it a shot. Here's to stepping into the sun. Alone.

18. Eef Barzelay- Lose Big

A continuation. I've decided that regardless of whether I'm supported or not, I'm going to go for the dreams I have. If I'm going to lose, oh, I'll lose big.

19. Death Cab For Cutie- I Will Follow You into the Dark

Part of being Chaldean is being Catholic. Regardless of what happens, I would do anything for my family that is bad at expressing love.

20. Foo Fighters- Home

I have a strong desire to feel like I'm home. Most of the things I do pull me further away. But it's the people I've loved and the things I haven't regretted. Echoes and Silence. Patience and Grace.

21. The Avett Brothers- Will You Return

I am the pretty little gal, with pretty little curls. It's hard to see the beauty sometimes. My parents often ask when I'll come home next and all I can tell them is that I don't know. It's often hard to say the next time I'll be there. It's harder to say the next time I'll feel there. Will I go again? It's hard to say. I surely hope so.

22. Sufjan Stevens- Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing

With faith lacking, it is important to remember the things that matter. And I can't always feel at home with my family, there has to be some place. I am quite prone to wander. But I think we all are.

If It's the Beaches

An update in lists:

Things I can do to keep my mind off:

1. Clean
2. Learn Guitar
3. Find a better job
4. Apply to graduate school
5. Drink
6. Drive
7. Make a new mix CD about things that make me happy
8. Sleep
9. Work more
10. Make lists
11. Study
12. Not cat sit
13. Work out
14. Plan

Things that are probably true:

1. It sometimes takes me time to find the right words, making me not the best of all communicators.
2. I over think absolutely everything.
3. I meant what I said. I mean what I say every time.
4. You're busy.
5. You changed your mind
6. I need to apply myself more.
7. I always, always get ahead of myself.
8. I should drink less than I have been.
9. Life is lived in the gray areas. But having definite answers every now and then feels pretty good.
10. Money rules everything.
11. Friends, you were wrong.

Things that are true:

1. I'm starting guitar lessons on Thursday. I'm paying for them by making dinner.
2. I miss school.
3. I miss you.
4. The hugs in my life have been seriously lacking.
5. My hours were cut at one of my jobs. I have prime openings for looking for another job.
6. I don't like the way I feel the next day after eating or drinking too much.
7. The only buttons that work on my phone are as follows: 1, 3, 5, 7, *, Send, End, Messages and Contacts.
8. I think I like it when people call me.
9. Even though I'm a bad phone person, I get better with practice.
10. I don't want to be here anymore.

When I get to drinking

I get to thinking of you.

Why didn't he call?

Devonne Chronicles

I was waiting on a patron when a patron I had helped earlier (the Devonne in question) appeared to my left. Our interaction before had been me checking out some materials to him. Here is what transpired:

(T)heresa: (looking to my left) Did you need help with something?
(D)evonne: Yeah, but I can wait.
T: Okay, but it's going to be a minute.
(I look over and he's still there. I notice that he's gone but shows up again five minutes later.)
T: Did you still need help with something?
D: Yeah.
T: What did you need help with?
D: I have a question.
T: Okay, what is it?
D: (mumblemumblemumble)
T: I'm sorry, can you repeat that?
D: Do you have a man?
T: Yes. Thank you. (And I walked away.)

Run ins with Devonnes don't quite give me the boost in confidence one might expect. Instead, I feel dirty. Of course, that could be the week without a shower.

-Theresa

I just realized

I don't know what the hell dating looks like. Is it the holding hands and the kissing? Is it the promises of love and never leaving? Sharing? Seeing? What? What makes a couple?

I know what friendships look like because I've held onto a few and managed to run quite a few others into the ground. And is a dating relationship just a few steps beyond that? Is it the "I see you often and I want to see you more and kiss you lots"? Or is it the "I can see you in my life forever"? Or is that too many steps beyond friendship? I don't really get it. I've spent large chunks of my life sabotaging any chance I might have had at love due to my crippling insecurities. And now, what do I do?

I realize that dating or love or whatever is different for everyone. And with everyone. I saw a couple on New Year's Day walking up and down the street. She was yelling for some reason. And shoving him for the same reason, probably. Ten minutes later, she had quieted down and they were holding hands. That's dating? Really? I don't get it.

Why I'm probably bad at dating:

I'm bad at the phone.
I get nervous if I'm not sure how you'll react.
Because of my glaring insecurities, I need more validation than I thought.
If I could live my life inside a hug, I would.
I HATE playing games. But I know how to.
I don't mind paying for myself.
I don't like chocolate.
My idea of a good time changes from day to day.
I don't shave my legs enough.
I get "feelings" about things and they're usually right.
I think out loud.
A lot.
I haven't in a while.
I'm a bad compliment acceptor.

I'm an all-in kind of person when it comes to people. If I say I care, I do. If I have made an effort to keep you in my life, there's a reason. If it comes to dating, I'm all in. If it's a friendship, I'm all it. Need help? You guessed it. It takes a lot of work on my part to change my own mind. Maybe that's too intense. So, I'm an all-in kind of person. Maybe I need to be better at bluffing. Oh, I forgot that I hate speaking in metaphors.

-Theresa

Step into the sun

Every decision leads to the next. Maybe I'm a dreamer and my head is in the clouds. God knows there are plenty in Kalamazoo. But I still think everything happens for a reason. That being said, I don't think that I should be trying to figure out the reasons before things happen. I know I won't fully understand the reasons for my being in Kalamazoo until I've left. Maybe I think this way because I believe in God. But I also think it's possible to believe that things happen for a reason without believing in God. Possible.

I've stopped (err... am trying to stop) looking for the reasons things happen. Eventually, I will understand some things. Most, I won't. And I think I'm okay with that.

Just like you said I would be, someone has appreciated me.

There is only so much I can do. I can't control much. And I don't need to. I'm trying to let things take a natural course. And it looks a bit differently than I expected.

Doesn't it always?

-Theresa

So this is the new year

I was going to put up the song by song explanation of the CD I made for my family. I still may, but not right now.

I may be getting ahead of myself, but I had a good New Year's Day. I'm not sure it's possible to have asked for a better one.

I don't have a camera and I still desperately want one.

I haven't made any new year's resolutions. I'm making life resolutions and, so far, I'm kind of sticking to them.

Get healthy
Weigh less
Love more
Spend less
Trust more.

I do have a tendency of getting ahead of myself. Maybe I should stop. Maybe I would if I could.

-Theresa