Dear Body, (Part II)

I was really hoping I wasn't going to need a part two, but here we go anyway.

I stopped taking the little blue pill, Body. And now, I'm on a slightly larger green pill. Or maybe it's yellow. You don't seem to care. I had a week, one whole week, of glorious, blood-free freedom. I didn't have to take my purse to the bathroom at restaurants. I didn't excessively nap. I went for walks. I didn't have to plan my day around you, Body. That was a good week.

But then yesterday happened and you decided to rear your ugly head again. I don't get what more you want, Body. I mean, I know it was a whole week between showers that last time but you just weren't smelly and I needed to be to work on time. Doesn't that get any consideration? Any at all? But I decided to nip your insolence in the bud this time. I called that lady doctor back right away. She says to stay on that slightly larger pill but that I was going to need to see a GYN and hormone specialist. Do you know how scary that sounds, Body? No, of course you don't. Because you're all "I don't want to function properly. WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" And I'm all "Shut the fuck up and start acting like you should be." I thought I raised you better than that, Body. I guess not.

A hormone specialist, though? Isn't that for ladies who wanted babies yesterday to go see? Body, I don't want babies right now. I want to be married before we start thinking babies. Besides, there's no way you could be thinking babies. No. Way. If this is some sort of internal clock thing, I'm going to be pissed. That's not to say I don't want babies ever, Body. I just don't want them right now. So you'd better be ready to make babies when I want them. I hope this isn't some revolt for the future.

I'm holding nothing back. I'm asking anyone who might know something about how I can get you back in line. Today, I emailed a friend of a friend to ask what natural steps I can take to fix you. I hope she has some answers because, for the love of God, I am at my wit's end with you, Body. It's just not fair. I stopped putting holes in you. I only got one tattoo. I don't do drugs or smoke. WHY ARE YOU BEING SUCH A JERK? You'd better have a better reason than "just 'cause" or I will punch you. Or make you work out more.

All I'm saying, Body, is that a little willingness to cooperate would make a world of difference. I don't think that's too much to ask for. But I suppose I've asked for that before and you seemed to think it was too much to ask for. At the risk of sounding insensitive and insincere I need you to know that feminine hygiene products are expensive and when you make me use three times as many as I'm supposed to, that gets even more expensive. We are in a recession. I think it's time you started thinking of me instead of stimulating the economy, Body. And I need you to know that I am tired but I need to get things done. It doesn't help that I constantly feel sick and drained and cranky and tired BECAUSE OF YOU. I have an interview to prepare for and a seminar to create and lead and a decision to make. Body, whatever is going on in there, just sort it out, okay? I don't have anymore time or energy to dote on you. I just want you to be better and I've done everything I know how to do.

I'm sorry, Body. I wanted it to work out too. But things don't go according to plan. I guess I don't need to tell you that. Do you think you can join forces with me on this one? Don't you want to be a part of a team? I mean, I think I'm pretty cool aside from the weird sense of humor and big hair. Body, I would cut that hair for you and find Team America: World Police funny if you wanted me to. At the very least, I would try. I know I can't do this all on my own, but well, I'm all you've got. You're all I've got. Imagine my dismay to find you don't want to work for this team. So, Body, if you're not going to cooperate with me, at least cooperate for the GYN and hormone specialist, who will probably be looking for problems. Just be obvious with them and tell them everything they need to know. I'm a little scared, so the more you cooperate, the better. I mean, it would be ideal if nothing was wrong but that doesn't seem to be the case anymore.

If you could clear up your issues before 25 March, all the better. It seems I'll have to just accept it if you don't. I thought I'd mention it on the off chance you were taking suggestions. Body, I've said my piece. Again. Take the hint. Suck it up. Get better. Or I'll start praying for a return policy.

Most Sincerely,

Theresa