Is now in the works. I don't know where I'm going or who with but I know it's happening. The last day of school is 25 May. My last day of work is 26 of May. I don't think I have any obligations until the very last week of July. And I'm not even sure about that. I put half of my tax return into savings and have planned ahead for an oil change.
That being said, I'm looking for places to go and stay and see and remember. If I go alone, those places are going to be a lot closer together.
Any suggestions?
-Theresa
31 March 2011
26 March 2011
Grab ahold of anything
that's worth keeping.
What I realize now:
I never really let go, even if you were saying goodbye.
I've never not been happy to hear from or see you.
This could turn into something.
Something good.
But maybe you don't think so.
I finally feel like someone worth keeping.
It's a feeling worth keeping.
-Theresa
What I realize now:
I never really let go, even if you were saying goodbye.
I've never not been happy to hear from or see you.
This could turn into something.
Something good.
But maybe you don't think so.
I finally feel like someone worth keeping.
It's a feeling worth keeping.
-Theresa
17 March 2011
All in Good Time
But there's never really a good time for death. Unless, of course, you're writing a movie or television show.
My aunt passed away today. Lung cancer. Never smoked. My family (she has eight brothers and sisters and they're all married. Plus, she has kids.) are waiting in the hospital room until they get kicked out. And I can't commit to $800 for a plane ticket home. The rational part of me says that it's okay because I saw her on Christmas before machines were living for her. I saw her when she could walk and talk and laugh.
The Chaldean part of me?
You stupid bitch. She would go to your funeral if you died. And she wouldn't care how much it cost. She always asked about you. And what the fuck do you mean that you're not sure? Get your stupid ass on a plane and come home. Indefinitely. Your family needs you. Your mom needs you. Her sister just died. Your sister needs you. Her relationship just ended. Who cares that that's not related to your aunt?! Just buy the stupid ticket already! Stop figuring out how much each minute will cost you. $800 for 48 hours for the rest of your family will be priceless. Plus, that way, no one will give your mom shit for you not coming home.
Jeez, I am a selfish asshole.
-Theresa
My aunt passed away today. Lung cancer. Never smoked. My family (she has eight brothers and sisters and they're all married. Plus, she has kids.) are waiting in the hospital room until they get kicked out. And I can't commit to $800 for a plane ticket home. The rational part of me says that it's okay because I saw her on Christmas before machines were living for her. I saw her when she could walk and talk and laugh.
The Chaldean part of me?
You stupid bitch. She would go to your funeral if you died. And she wouldn't care how much it cost. She always asked about you. And what the fuck do you mean that you're not sure? Get your stupid ass on a plane and come home. Indefinitely. Your family needs you. Your mom needs you. Her sister just died. Your sister needs you. Her relationship just ended. Who cares that that's not related to your aunt?! Just buy the stupid ticket already! Stop figuring out how much each minute will cost you. $800 for 48 hours for the rest of your family will be priceless. Plus, that way, no one will give your mom shit for you not coming home.
Jeez, I am a selfish asshole.
-Theresa
08 March 2011
Status Quo
I won't regret saying this, this thing that I'm saying.
I'm making a new mix. It's not for you. It's for me.
No, that's not true. It IS for you but it's about me. It is me. It's me now and as I've always been. That's good enough for me.
Is it better than keeping my mouth shut? That goes without saying.
-Theresa
I'm making a new mix. It's not for you. It's for me.
No, that's not true. It IS for you but it's about me. It is me. It's me now and as I've always been. That's good enough for me.
Is it better than keeping my mouth shut? That goes without saying.
-Theresa
03 March 2011
The Fact of the Matter:
There's a whole lot going on right now and very little of it is in my control. As much as I wish I wasn't on a pill it's difficult to get off of, right now, I'm a little grateful. Because if I wasn't, I'd be a heap on the floor.
But I am so I'm not.
All I can really say is that I'm fine. Really. Not in the way I used to think I was placating people. Just that there's a lot going on and all of it is out of my control. So I may cry a little easier but for the most part, I think I'm holding up okay.
To ensure that and my place in hell: I'm not sure that I'll be going home for the funerals when they come around.
But I am so I'm not.
All I can really say is that I'm fine. Really. Not in the way I used to think I was placating people. Just that there's a lot going on and all of it is out of my control. So I may cry a little easier but for the most part, I think I'm holding up okay.
To ensure that and my place in hell: I'm not sure that I'll be going home for the funerals when they come around.
11 February 2011
Borrower
For the first time in my life, I bought a car. The two cars I've had in my life were leased for me. Because they were borrowed, I had no problem letting others drive my car for me. That and the crippling fear of driving. But today, I hit the thousand mile mark on my car. And I drove every one of those miles. That's the first time that's ever happened in a car that was "mine." I've done all the driving. I know that's not impressive at all to most people out there. But this is huge for me.
And yet, it all feels so similar. February and wondering why it is that the pieces still don't fit together just right. What is it that keeps friends from hearing the strain in my voice? All day today, I've really just needed to talk. So... I came to my blog.
What I really want to say: Last night, my ex-boyfriend texted me to say he was thinking of me. Why? It would have been better for us to have been friends right away than get random texts four months later. But maybe that's just me. And as for that guy I was seeing, well, I haven't heard from him in a few days. I suppose it's to be expected.
Actually, it's not. I'll admit it: I'm pretty fucking great, folks. So, maybe I can be a shitty friend because I'd rather stay in and watch a movie than go out and drink but there is no one in my life I let down more than myself. But that's always been me. I kind of just have to know: why do people keep giving up on me? I haven't given up on myself. Even when I make stupid decisions like eating nachos instead of a salad and reading instead of sleeping and being honest instead of not. And yet, I'm starting to believe that people want to be lied to. People don't want to hear the truth. I refuse to accommodate. I'd be letting myself down if I didn't remain the honest person that I am. And I can't do that anymore. I can't give up on myself if everyone else is going to.
I'm beginning to understand that all the time I spend in other people's lives is just borrowed. It's not really mine to keep. It's limited and eventually, I have to give it back. I mean, I worked in a library--not a bookstore. And even the promises of permanence seem to have expiration dates. But this car and those thousand miles--it feels really good to own them. To have known they were mine to keep. To know I won't have to give them back. And while a car is not permanent, I guess I wish I could feel that way about a few more things in my life.
-Theresa
And yet, it all feels so similar. February and wondering why it is that the pieces still don't fit together just right. What is it that keeps friends from hearing the strain in my voice? All day today, I've really just needed to talk. So... I came to my blog.
What I really want to say: Last night, my ex-boyfriend texted me to say he was thinking of me. Why? It would have been better for us to have been friends right away than get random texts four months later. But maybe that's just me. And as for that guy I was seeing, well, I haven't heard from him in a few days. I suppose it's to be expected.
Actually, it's not. I'll admit it: I'm pretty fucking great, folks. So, maybe I can be a shitty friend because I'd rather stay in and watch a movie than go out and drink but there is no one in my life I let down more than myself. But that's always been me. I kind of just have to know: why do people keep giving up on me? I haven't given up on myself. Even when I make stupid decisions like eating nachos instead of a salad and reading instead of sleeping and being honest instead of not. And yet, I'm starting to believe that people want to be lied to. People don't want to hear the truth. I refuse to accommodate. I'd be letting myself down if I didn't remain the honest person that I am. And I can't do that anymore. I can't give up on myself if everyone else is going to.
I'm beginning to understand that all the time I spend in other people's lives is just borrowed. It's not really mine to keep. It's limited and eventually, I have to give it back. I mean, I worked in a library--not a bookstore. And even the promises of permanence seem to have expiration dates. But this car and those thousand miles--it feels really good to own them. To have known they were mine to keep. To know I won't have to give them back. And while a car is not permanent, I guess I wish I could feel that way about a few more things in my life.
-Theresa
07 February 2011
When Devonnes Grown Old
At McDonald's, after ordering a drink (it's only a dollar for a fountain drink):
Devonne: Excuse me, miss. Is it okay if I ask you a question?
Me: (Pause.) Sure. (Brace myself.)
Devonne: How old are you?
Me: (Sigh of relief.) Twenty-five.
Devonne: No way. I would've thought for sure you were younger. Like a freshman. In high school.
Me: Oh, um, thanks.
Devonne: No, I mean, you're pretty. What are you? Mexican?
Me: No
Devonne: Black? White? Mixed? Eastern European?
Me: Nope. No, Nah. No. Middle Eastern. Not many guess.
Devonne: Oh, that's nice. But you real pretty. I mean, real, real pretty. You should really do something with that. You could do something with that.
Me: (Awkward laughter) Oh, thanks.
Devonne: I mean, I'm not tryin' to pick you up or anything, I'm just saying you're pretty.
Me: (Back away and make my exit.)
Items of note:
This Devonne was at least in his fifties.
He wouldn't move away from the pop dispenser, which is all I went in for.
I was still wearing my name badge that clearly states I'm a teacher.
He watched me drive up.
He still hit on me even though he thought I was a freshman in high school.
Now, I know this doesn't seem like I was hit on. But I've known many-a Devonne in my life. And believe me, it was a Devonne moment.
-Theresa
Devonne: Excuse me, miss. Is it okay if I ask you a question?
Me: (Pause.) Sure. (Brace myself.)
Devonne: How old are you?
Me: (Sigh of relief.) Twenty-five.
Devonne: No way. I would've thought for sure you were younger. Like a freshman. In high school.
Me: Oh, um, thanks.
Devonne: No, I mean, you're pretty. What are you? Mexican?
Me: No
Devonne: Black? White? Mixed? Eastern European?
Me: Nope. No, Nah. No. Middle Eastern. Not many guess.
Devonne: Oh, that's nice. But you real pretty. I mean, real, real pretty. You should really do something with that. You could do something with that.
Me: (Awkward laughter) Oh, thanks.
Devonne: I mean, I'm not tryin' to pick you up or anything, I'm just saying you're pretty.
Me: (Back away and make my exit.)
Items of note:
This Devonne was at least in his fifties.
He wouldn't move away from the pop dispenser, which is all I went in for.
I was still wearing my name badge that clearly states I'm a teacher.
He watched me drive up.
He still hit on me even though he thought I was a freshman in high school.
Now, I know this doesn't seem like I was hit on. But I've known many-a Devonne in my life. And believe me, it was a Devonne moment.
-Theresa
06 February 2011
Haves and Have Nots
The Haves:
I have been seeing someone for a few weeks now. I'm not sure where it's going and I'm not going to push it. It could be over, for all I know. Regardless, it's kind of fun to date.
I have spent too much time in bed lately, feeling sick. This weekend and last weekend comprised mostly of me in my bed (alone) with a book or a movie between naps.
I have become addicted to kettle corn and I don't mind one bit.
I have let a lot of people down but I can't live my life like that anymore.
I have invented a new game: College.
My emotions may have leveled off, but I still have feelings, folks.
In a lot of ways, I've become the kind of person I've been working toward becoming.
The Have Nots:
I have (had) not been taking my medication for a few days. I'd been trying to ween off and decided to just go big and stop all together. As it turns out, they're not joking about not stopping abruptly. Apparently, withdrawal is a very real thing. Side effects: nausea, dizziness, flu-like symptoms, ringing in ears, headaches. And it can last for about two weeks. This could explain all the time I've spent in bed. So I started taking the pills again because I can't let this get in the way of work. I'll wait until the summer.
I still feel like I have no idea what I'm doing as a teacher. I want to get better at it.
I have not done my homework or completed my lesson plans for the week. (Edit: I have finished homework and two days worth of plans as of 6:15.)
I have not yet bought a bike tire.
I have not yet stopped self-deprecating remarks because maybe I still believe them a little.
I have been seeing someone for a few weeks now. I'm not sure where it's going and I'm not going to push it. It could be over, for all I know. Regardless, it's kind of fun to date.
I have spent too much time in bed lately, feeling sick. This weekend and last weekend comprised mostly of me in my bed (alone) with a book or a movie between naps.
I have become addicted to kettle corn and I don't mind one bit.
I have let a lot of people down but I can't live my life like that anymore.
I have invented a new game: College.
My emotions may have leveled off, but I still have feelings, folks.
In a lot of ways, I've become the kind of person I've been working toward becoming.
The Have Nots:
I have (had) not been taking my medication for a few days. I'd been trying to ween off and decided to just go big and stop all together. As it turns out, they're not joking about not stopping abruptly. Apparently, withdrawal is a very real thing. Side effects: nausea, dizziness, flu-like symptoms, ringing in ears, headaches. And it can last for about two weeks. This could explain all the time I've spent in bed. So I started taking the pills again because I can't let this get in the way of work. I'll wait until the summer.
I still feel like I have no idea what I'm doing as a teacher. I want to get better at it.
I have not done my homework or completed my lesson plans for the week. (Edit: I have finished homework and two days worth of plans as of 6:15.)
I have not yet bought a bike tire.
I have not yet stopped self-deprecating remarks because maybe I still believe them a little.
30 January 2011
To be better,
one must work to be better.
This isn't a new year's resolution. It's sort of a life resolution. I've always tried hard to make myself a better version of... myself. Lately, I've just been bitching about how things aren't right. Given, I did a lot of that bitching in my head. Regardless, it's easy to forget how in control of my life I can be. So, I'm taking control.
Instead of...
Complaining I have no friends, I'll be a better friend to those in my life.
Wishing I was organized, I'll get organized.
Wanting people to call me, I'll call people.
Hoping someone will strike up a conversation with me, I will strike up a conversation.
These are simple, natural conclusions to come to. Jesus, why didn't I come to them sooner?
Things I've decided to do:
Sleep when I'm tired
Smile more
Not cancel plans
Be the friend I want others to be to me
Be unflinchingly honest
Unabashedly read teen fiction
Embrace Phoenix. For the time being.
Worry only about things it will do good to worry about
Stop. Fucking. Projecting.
Write back
And so, I'm still the same crazy, curly-haired being you may or may not know. But again, I've turned a page. Same story. Different chapter. These might be my favorite parts of my life--the parts where I can see the change in myself. It may be a little self-serving. But hey, I've kind of got to love the person I am. I shouldn't expect others to if I don't.
-Theresa
This isn't a new year's resolution. It's sort of a life resolution. I've always tried hard to make myself a better version of... myself. Lately, I've just been bitching about how things aren't right. Given, I did a lot of that bitching in my head. Regardless, it's easy to forget how in control of my life I can be. So, I'm taking control.
Instead of...
Complaining I have no friends, I'll be a better friend to those in my life.
Wishing I was organized, I'll get organized.
Wanting people to call me, I'll call people.
Hoping someone will strike up a conversation with me, I will strike up a conversation.
These are simple, natural conclusions to come to. Jesus, why didn't I come to them sooner?
Things I've decided to do:
Sleep when I'm tired
Smile more
Not cancel plans
Be the friend I want others to be to me
Be unflinchingly honest
Unabashedly read teen fiction
Embrace Phoenix. For the time being.
Worry only about things it will do good to worry about
Stop. Fucking. Projecting.
Write back
And so, I'm still the same crazy, curly-haired being you may or may not know. But again, I've turned a page. Same story. Different chapter. These might be my favorite parts of my life--the parts where I can see the change in myself. It may be a little self-serving. But hey, I've kind of got to love the person I am. I shouldn't expect others to if I don't.
-Theresa
26 January 2011
Wha?
I know I haven't updated in awhile. I sort of fell off the face of the earth and it was intentional. I started to feel like I was letting too many people down. Chances are, I let down a few people every day. Actually, a few people plus my entire class. But really, I knew that I just hadn't had enough stuck-in-my-head time lately. The time I spend just hanging out with myself thinking about who I am and what I like about me and what I don't like and what I can do to change it. I think I'm feeling a bit better. Not like my readership of two people, maybe, were disappointed. ;)
I just wanted to let you know that I've resurfaced. And I'm happy. And that nap today helped. And 2011? It's really going to be mine. I'm just trying things I've never done before and it's paying off.
Hey, how do I feel about the Air Force?
-Theresa
I just wanted to let you know that I've resurfaced. And I'm happy. And that nap today helped. And 2011? It's really going to be mine. I'm just trying things I've never done before and it's paying off.
Hey, how do I feel about the Air Force?
-Theresa
05 January 2011
I think I'm a grown-up.
Crap.
I bought a car. I know things about financing and credit and other fancy, old-sounding crap like that. And I DON'T LIKE IT.
So, I'm twenty-five. I (will) own my car. I'm working on a salary, full time. I like reading more than drinking. I worry about my regularity. I've been talking to an insurance agent about my options. There's no two ways about it: I'm a grown-up.
I never thought it would happen.
I bought a car. I know things about financing and credit and other fancy, old-sounding crap like that. And I DON'T LIKE IT.
So, I'm twenty-five. I (will) own my car. I'm working on a salary, full time. I like reading more than drinking. I worry about my regularity. I've been talking to an insurance agent about my options. There's no two ways about it: I'm a grown-up.
I never thought it would happen.
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