But when you're all alone

You and your head.

That's when it's the worst. That year? Twenty-three? It seems to have showed up again. I'm not really twenty-three. But I sure feel like I'm regressing. And Body? Didn't listen. That bitch. I put in a call to Mrs. Lady Doctor. Booked up. We wait.

They let me be a teacher. Whose idea was that? Today, I contended with children crawling under tables and crying and saying they peed their pants (when they hadn't) so they didn't have to go to computer class and tearing pages from books. And oh, I yelled. And I feel guilty. I feel guilty? No, that's not this feeling. This feeling is that nagging in my brain that says if I was a good classroom leader, my students wouldn't lie to me and they'd know it wasn't okay to crawl under tables and that books are our friends and we are to love them and hold them tenderly so they can tell their stories over and over. Unless, of course, we're talking about The Da Vinci Code. My goodness, boys and girls, color on as many pages of that book as you want and I wouldn't mourn if for a moment. I'm bad at classroom management. That's the problem.

But I've never really been good at management. In many ways, I fly by the seat of my pants. No, I'm far to anxious to just fly by the seat of my pants. Besides, I've been wearing a lot of skirts lately. What am I trying to say? Teaching is hard. Rewarding, but hard. The Arizona education system is broken and I can't fix it but I sure can try my hardest to make sure that the kids don't realize they have any fewer opportunities than any televised experiences they may have absorbed and internalized.

Today, one of my students asked "Teacher, you have a mom?" Of course I have a mom but she lives far away. "Why?" Well, I moved away and she lives in Michigan. "Where do you live?" Phoenix. "Like a house?" Like a house. An apartment. "I have brothers. Do you have sister?" Yes, her name is Lauren. "I have a sister."

That was my favorite moment of the day. And there are so many moments like this in my days. I just have to remember to focus on them. Most of these kids don't mean any harm. And in many ways, as a kindergarten teacher, it's my job to train these little people to act like people. For example, if you spill apple sauce on your shirt, you should wipe it off and someone is doing something you don't like, tell them to stop. The part that makes me sad is when they have to learn things like "just because you don't want to doesn't mean you're not going to." Goodness, I'm starting to feel mean.

Today was just a rough day. It might have been easier if health wasn't an issue and my goodness, if I could just form the words to say what I really need to say. But that doesn't change the fact that I need better classroom management.

Tomorrow is a new day. And all my kids' clips are back on green. And all that stuff we didn't learn today? We'll learn tomorrow. Except, well, it'll be Wednesday and the 41st day of school.

But when you think you made it disappear
It comes again, "Hello, I'm here"


-Theresa