Phoenix, AZ (part 1)

I'm putting this in parts only because I'm still going to be here for a little while longer and I figured it didn't make any sense to call this post "Phoenix, AZ" when I'll probably write again. Woah. Holy self-explanation.

Let's see. I saw Triina and her boyfriend. It was pretty great seeing her. She got a onesie. I got a dress.

Went to Tempe for a day. It was exactly what a college town should be. TONS of bikes. And there was a brewery. It was okay. But it wasn't too hoppy and my beer was three dollars and they didn't charge me a cover so it's better than Bell's in all of those respects. I met Nate and Sarah's friend Ryan there. He's our potential fourth roommate. He seems nice enough and he doesn't mind that I don't shower often.

The first night we were here, I was taken to In & Out burger. Also okay. I know they make the fries there but they were skinny fries and I like a little potato to my fry. The son of the people we are staying with took me there. He's Joey. We're all hanging out with him on Tuesday. I felt like a creeper because my mom's friend, Summer, took me for drink at the place he works. We didn't see him so I felt less like a creeper.

Hanging out with Summer... Well, she picked me up from the certification test (which sucked) and we went shopping at a market. She bought my mom a ton of stuff but I feel really weird about it. We went back to her house where she filled me with food. Man, was it great. I was tired since I'd gotten up at six and was running on fumes. But there was Turkish coffee involved so I didn't mind too much until later. Her son came home at one point and we talked. Well, he talked. But he offered to help me get a job since he has so many connections and I can't express my gratitude accurately. When I say job, I mean a $34,000 salary. Yeah, what would you say? In return, I've promised to offer dating advice upon his insistence. Hey, he didn't ask what my history was. Anyway, I went with Summer to see a Flamenco show. It was okay. I was dead tired and I felt bad that she had to keep driving me around and everything. Nothing is really that close here and there's always tons of driving. Like, she didn't mind driving forty-five minutes for drinks.

I might have more insight but I think I'm addicted to coffee again. So I'm going to go satiate that desire.

-Theresa

Elk City, OK

Why can't I get you out of my head? Fields and fields. Empty and full. And all I can think of is you. It's not fair. It's not fair because I can guarantee without a doubt that the sentiment is not mutual. Please. Stop.

I'm tired and all I did was ride as passenger in my own car. I mean, I did it on two hours of sleep and I navigated. Apparently, I'm not in a good mood. Shit.

I can't remember the last time I had a hug. Weeks, maybe. I have to tell you, watching a married couple function in close proximity hurts. It hurts a bit more when they ask things like "What's it like to be single?" and "Is it hard for you to be single?" And you know, I don't think it's the single. It's the feeling of loneliness I can't seem to shake. It's the overwhelming feeling of being meaningless I can't seem to escape.

Melodramatic much?

If I called you right now, you wouldn't be obligated to answer.

Maybe I should just go to sleep, huh? Tomorrow, we drive the last nine hundred miles to Phoenix, AZ. I will meet up with Triina, see my mom's best friend and interview for a position I can't really afford to take. Or not take.

Why couldn't I just have the teaching job? I think I would be able to accept it more if I had at least had a chance to interview. But I didn't. And now I'm whining. And you're not reading anyway. So I'm not going to apologize.

I will continue to be the person that I am: always striving to be better. Nothing can change that. No one will change that. I don't want that to change.

The sunsets you drive into are always the most beautiful.

-Theresa

Regardless of you, I am exactly who I am and will remain so.

I write these words because my voice often falters.

One Line Wonder

I love you but I can't remember why.

Lately, I've been trying to look more... presentable. I'm just tired of not caring. So every few days or so, I put in my contacts, draw on some eyeliner, wear "outfits" instead of a hoodie and live my day. I feel a little better about myself. I think it's because it's one more way of taking care of myself. Of course, today, I kept my glasses on, am free of makeup and get the response, "Now, you look like yourself." I know what I've been looking like. I'm not sure if I should be offended or not.

Visiting daytrotter is... Just go do it. There's so much to discover.

I don't like feeling like I'm annoying people. If I feel that way, I do what I can to stop feeling that way.

I don't like being lied about. If I feel that that is happening, I do what I need to do to make it stop.

There's quite a bit swirling in my head right now but I don't think it matters.

Chris Bathgate is playing in Ann Arbor tonight. I mean, he plays in Ann Arbor often but he's also playing tonight. The music fiend in me really wants to go. The tired, gross-feeling me wants to get back into bed once she gets back from work.

Of course, I might also spend the day at ChocolaTea.

-Theresa

Please, pick one.

If you deciphered from my last post, all of the positions I was going to interview for in Arizona have been filled. They don't need anymore English teachers. I was offered the option of changing my focus to Special Education. I said I would consider it. Here's the thing: I can see myself as an English teacher. I can taste it. The idea of getting a Masters of Education with a focus on language was so endlessly thrilling that I feel like I'm settling for a job with Special Education. Those students deserve someone who wants to be there. Besides, if I do Special Ed, I would have to get my Masters in Special Ed in addition to passing the teacher certification test. I have a few options, I think.

1. Go for Special Education. This would require a three year commitment to Phoenix Teaching Fellows and to getting a Masters in Special Ed. In the future, it seems it would make sense to continue to work in the area I would have my degree in. Otherwise, it's a waste of money on a degree.

2. Take the English certification test anyway and call to see how long it will last for (the certification). If I pass, I'm going to see if I can reapply to the PTF program the following year. After all, I have a degree in English.

3. Move to Phoenix, go to ASU and get my Masters of Education without going through PTF. Work part time.

4. Substitute teaching?

5. Move to Phoenix and look for a new plan. This would happen regardless of whether I get a job before going or not.

6. Apply to jobs everywhere again and go where I get a job, regardless of the fact that I might be going alone.

7. Pick somewhere. Move. Settle.

8. Reader's choice. Be specific.

You know what's not an option? Staying in Kalamazoo. Or Michigan as a whole.

The catches lie here: I got the phone call about them filling the position on Friday. I was wallowing in self-pity (as you may have glossed over) and so I didn't read the follow-up email until the next morning. Well, that was stupid because, apparently, I had to change my certification test. And, of course, the last day to do that was Friday. Registering to take the test was $105. In the grand scheme of things, that's not very much. But that represents about ten percent of my current monthly income. I would hate to throw away a potential future. Or $105. I'm calling Monday morning to see what I can do about that and see if the test will still be good later. If it is, I'm going to call PTF and see what the process of reapplying would look like. Also, if I don't go through PTF and I do decide to get my Masters degree anyway, I would have to pay out of state tuition.

I'm just disappointed. It was the first time in a long time that I was really excited about something. I wasn't just settling and I was going to go for it. And I wanted to. I really wanted to. I had reservations. But I always do. I have until 10 August to figure out the next year now. I have about ten days to figure out what I'm going to do in Arizona while I'm there.

Allow me to reiterate: staying in Kalamazoo is not an option.

Hey, friend? Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm meant to stay here and help you.

I asked my current roommate. She said she'd consider randomly moving somewhere with me. I'm not sure it'll happen. The thing is, when I moved to Kalamazoo, I moved alone. I did okay, I guess. But I don't really need to do that. I'm not really running away from anything this time. But maybe I need a fresh start and should do it again. We'll see. I've been sending resumes out again. I'm going to try to do at least one a day. But damn, that's a lot of cover letters.

Anyway, tell me your thoughts, please. Encouragement, criticisms, insight, more choices... Whatever. I need the feedback, I think.

Thanks, friends.

-Theresa

Fuck you, 2009.

I had hopes for you. I had dreams. And you've managed to piss them all away. You're like a dramatic comedy. You sucked me in with the part about the comedy. I always think they're not going to be as dark as the last one or that the comedy will far outshine the drama. That is never the case and I never learn.

2009, you've set up everything for me and gradually took it away. The first day I spent with you seemed like a dream. I should have known better.

Here are some ways you have let me down:

1. My health is in general disarray. Have you and Body joined forces?
2. I am as alone as ever and reminded of it almost every day.
3. You made it clear that I no longer belong in Kalamazoo. Or Michigan.
4. All of the seventh and eighth grade language arts positions in Phoenix, AZ are full. My interview is not for two more weeks.
5. My haircut is stupid.
6. The Last House on the Left.

But before you let me down, 2009, you tend to present an opportunity and then take it away. On 1 January, 2009, every single thing on that list had promise, except for maybe number 4. I didn't know about the positions yet. (And I knew number six was going to suck but man, that sucked way more than I thought it would. Don't even bother.) There seemed to be potential for happiness. Joy, even. I've got to tell you, it's heartbreaking. It hurts to be teased like that. It hurts to see the potential of something good right in front of you and watch it disintegrate and be able to do nothing about it. There is a way to feel good and it's eluding me.

I tried, 2009, to do what I could. I'm only two and a half months in and I want a new year. Things are supposed to be better. Our president isn't a complete sack of shit. I'm a college graduate. The country I live in is impoverished but it's all its own fault. My roommate is great. But dammit, I don't want to be here anymore. I can't be here anymore. I've got to get out of here.

I'm so disconnected, I don't know what to do. I don't know who to be or how to be. And I am selfish.

How do you think I would fare as a special education teacher?

2009, I am not only not impressed: I am disappointed, hurt and broken.

-Theresa

Dear Body, (Part II)

I was really hoping I wasn't going to need a part two, but here we go anyway.

I stopped taking the little blue pill, Body. And now, I'm on a slightly larger green pill. Or maybe it's yellow. You don't seem to care. I had a week, one whole week, of glorious, blood-free freedom. I didn't have to take my purse to the bathroom at restaurants. I didn't excessively nap. I went for walks. I didn't have to plan my day around you, Body. That was a good week.

But then yesterday happened and you decided to rear your ugly head again. I don't get what more you want, Body. I mean, I know it was a whole week between showers that last time but you just weren't smelly and I needed to be to work on time. Doesn't that get any consideration? Any at all? But I decided to nip your insolence in the bud this time. I called that lady doctor back right away. She says to stay on that slightly larger pill but that I was going to need to see a GYN and hormone specialist. Do you know how scary that sounds, Body? No, of course you don't. Because you're all "I don't want to function properly. WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" And I'm all "Shut the fuck up and start acting like you should be." I thought I raised you better than that, Body. I guess not.

A hormone specialist, though? Isn't that for ladies who wanted babies yesterday to go see? Body, I don't want babies right now. I want to be married before we start thinking babies. Besides, there's no way you could be thinking babies. No. Way. If this is some sort of internal clock thing, I'm going to be pissed. That's not to say I don't want babies ever, Body. I just don't want them right now. So you'd better be ready to make babies when I want them. I hope this isn't some revolt for the future.

I'm holding nothing back. I'm asking anyone who might know something about how I can get you back in line. Today, I emailed a friend of a friend to ask what natural steps I can take to fix you. I hope she has some answers because, for the love of God, I am at my wit's end with you, Body. It's just not fair. I stopped putting holes in you. I only got one tattoo. I don't do drugs or smoke. WHY ARE YOU BEING SUCH A JERK? You'd better have a better reason than "just 'cause" or I will punch you. Or make you work out more.

All I'm saying, Body, is that a little willingness to cooperate would make a world of difference. I don't think that's too much to ask for. But I suppose I've asked for that before and you seemed to think it was too much to ask for. At the risk of sounding insensitive and insincere I need you to know that feminine hygiene products are expensive and when you make me use three times as many as I'm supposed to, that gets even more expensive. We are in a recession. I think it's time you started thinking of me instead of stimulating the economy, Body. And I need you to know that I am tired but I need to get things done. It doesn't help that I constantly feel sick and drained and cranky and tired BECAUSE OF YOU. I have an interview to prepare for and a seminar to create and lead and a decision to make. Body, whatever is going on in there, just sort it out, okay? I don't have anymore time or energy to dote on you. I just want you to be better and I've done everything I know how to do.

I'm sorry, Body. I wanted it to work out too. But things don't go according to plan. I guess I don't need to tell you that. Do you think you can join forces with me on this one? Don't you want to be a part of a team? I mean, I think I'm pretty cool aside from the weird sense of humor and big hair. Body, I would cut that hair for you and find Team America: World Police funny if you wanted me to. At the very least, I would try. I know I can't do this all on my own, but well, I'm all you've got. You're all I've got. Imagine my dismay to find you don't want to work for this team. So, Body, if you're not going to cooperate with me, at least cooperate for the GYN and hormone specialist, who will probably be looking for problems. Just be obvious with them and tell them everything they need to know. I'm a little scared, so the more you cooperate, the better. I mean, it would be ideal if nothing was wrong but that doesn't seem to be the case anymore.

If you could clear up your issues before 25 March, all the better. It seems I'll have to just accept it if you don't. I thought I'd mention it on the off chance you were taking suggestions. Body, I've said my piece. Again. Take the hint. Suck it up. Get better. Or I'll start praying for a return policy.

Most Sincerely,

Theresa

I hate Facebook.

Yes, I said it.

Facebook and Myspace, neither of those two networking sites are reasonable facsimiles for a real friendship. Yes, the connections made and acknowledged are made with what the websites calls "friends." But I have to say, these websites have bastardized the meaning of friendship. It's no longer necessary to call a friend and see how she is doing. In fact, I can not speak with a person for a year and still know the everyday happenings of his life. And I can call that a friendship if I want to.

I tell people that the reason I am on Facebook so often is that I sit in front of a computer for forty hours a week and wait to help people. That is true. That is also an excuse. I use Facebook because I am just as much of a voyeur as everyone else. But I also like being able to stay connected with people I normally would not have. I like that it's an easy way to get a hold of someone. But again, the connections made and kept do not a friendship make. I am just as offended or hurt, in some cases, as other are when someone deletes me or blocks me. I have gone through my list of contacts and deleted people I have never met or couldn't remember meeting. There was no point in keeping those lines of communication open.

I hate Facebook.

I have wasted too much time pouring over the daily, one-line musing of people I barely know. I want real friendships. Since when, in a real friendship, can a person decide to delete you? No, memories fade and people drift but in real relationships with people, there is no "delete" button. And I liked it better that way. As much as I don't like confrontation, I don't necessarily mind doing it. I mean, there's something to be said for severing all ties but I've always been the kind of person to let people know why. I have stopped talking to people and I have cut people out of my life. If those people are honest with themselves and honest with you, they know exactly why. It's because real lines of communication are open. Whatever the consequences, I choose honesty. Whatever the outcome, I choose to try to be a better person than I am.

The thing about me is that I don't like to be angry or at odds with people. People do shitty things, myself included, and deserve forgiveness. Don't get me wrong, I am not stupid. Well, maybe I am. But if someone say, constantly asks to borrow money and doesn't return it, I learn. That person is not a wise person to loan money to. But I do not want to stay angry with that person. I'm sure there are people out there who think I hate them or am holding something against them. It's just not true. I sometimes take time to "cool off" if I am angry but I prefer to choose forgiveness. I prefer to be on good terms. I prefer to try.

I like talking to people. I like having conversations. I like the tangible aspects of relationships like hugs and a note that is written using pen and paper. I like being given the opportunity to clarify confusion. I don't mind how awkward some conversations can be. I love that I can tell what a person means based on body language and vocal inflections. Facebook doesn't provide those things. Facebook provides a forum we can attend in order to maintain connections with people that are too many steps removed from what healthy relationships are. Facebook is a perversion of what friendship should be.

I choose to make and keep my friendships and other relationships real.

Tokens

I had to put you in a drawer in a desk because the image of wishes and dreams falling through my fingers was just a little too much today. So I did. The image remains.

Feeling vomity. Perhaps body needs to have another talking to. Maybe?

I switched from blue to yellow and I do not feel at peace. I do not feel settled.

In less than three weeks, I will be on my way to an interview that may determine up to three years of my life. A little scary. A little welcome.

I'm sorry that the person I used to be makes you sorry for the person you are. I wish I could take it back.

I could be a teacher. I can be a teacher.

I made a new mix CD. It'll be in the mail soon. I swear. Really. Oh, and thanks for the postcard.

I'm like a passenger to my own life sometimes. I still don't understand what happened.

It hurts. Stop, please.

Don't worry about the suitcase.

Timeline? I could be gone by early June. I have no plans to be here past August. That, I know.