As found as she may be,

she's still lost. I'll spare the internet the details, but we know where my sister is now. I love her very, very much but I've washed my hands clean of this particular situation. Instead of going into those details, I'll go into these:

Things I like about myself that others have told me they don't
(A partial list):

How loud my laugh is
My short, curly hair
How easily amused I am
My excitement over seemingly meaningless things
The amount of cumin I use in my cooking
The color of my glasses
I prefer to be barefoot
My taste in music
Sitting criss cross applesauce
How much I notice
Wanderlust
Singing along to any song I know the words to
Shamelessness around strangers
Wearing dresses

I won't let anyone take that from me.

-Theresa

I have a perfect body

Because my eyelashes catch my sweat.

Okay, I recognize I've been posting a lot lately. I'd apologize. But I don't want to.

That road trip I've been considering? I think I'm going to start harassing people for places to stay. And near those places to stay, I think I'm going to look for shows. And that money I set aside? I think I'll buy some tickets. Or not. As of right now, this is all a pipe dream. But Iron & Wine isn't coming to Arizona and that bottle of Moscato isn't going to drink itself. So pipe dreams are what I'm living on.

Road trip goals:

Visit states I've never been to (Primarily Washington and Oregon. And maybe Maine.)
Drive the majority of driving to be done. (If I don't go alone)
Gather stories.
Just go.
Get lost and don't be annoyed.
Make new friends.
Keep old friends.
Don't lesson plan, even a little bit.
Keep track.
Go skinny dipping. (This is a life goal I have yet to accomplish.)
Enjoy every moment.
Don't blog drunk.

There at thirty-seven school days left and I still can't believe anyone let me be a teacher.

I taught addition using paper plates, writing using pictures and speaking by threatening a loss of recess. And they want me to do it again next year? Shit.

I love, love, love my job. Love it. I just hate that I can't figure out how to have a life outside of it. And my bed and this lovely bottle of white. But maybe that's not teaching's fault.

I've never really been good at juggling. Not those brightly-colored scarves in elementary school and not life.

I am my own anchor and I keep me here. But so does my abundance of indecision. I'm so very ready to make decisions. Ask, ask away and I will answer. I will decide.

Emily knocked on my door and there are ducks in the pool. Duty calls.

-Theresa

Grab ahold of anything

that's worth keeping.

What I realize now:

I never really let go, even if you were saying goodbye.
I've never not been happy to hear from or see you.
This could turn into something.
Something good.
But maybe you don't think so.
I finally feel like someone worth keeping.
It's a feeling worth keeping.

-Theresa

Haves and Have Nots

The Haves:

I have been seeing someone for a few weeks now. I'm not sure where it's going and I'm not going to push it. It could be over, for all I know. Regardless, it's kind of fun to date.

I have spent too much time in bed lately, feeling sick. This weekend and last weekend comprised mostly of me in my bed (alone) with a book or a movie between naps.

I have become addicted to kettle corn and I don't mind one bit.

I have let a lot of people down but I can't live my life like that anymore.

I have invented a new game: College.

My emotions may have leveled off, but I still have feelings, folks.

In a lot of ways, I've become the kind of person I've been working toward becoming.



The Have Nots:

I have (had) not been taking my medication for a few days. I'd been trying to ween off and decided to just go big and stop all together. As it turns out, they're not joking about not stopping abruptly. Apparently, withdrawal is a very real thing. Side effects: nausea, dizziness, flu-like symptoms, ringing in ears, headaches. And it can last for about two weeks. This could explain all the time I've spent in bed. So I started taking the pills again because I can't let this get in the way of work. I'll wait until the summer.

I still feel like I have no idea what I'm doing as a teacher. I want to get better at it.

I have not done my homework or completed my lesson plans for the week. (Edit: I have finished homework and two days worth of plans as of 6:15.)

I have not yet bought a bike tire.

I have not yet stopped self-deprecating remarks because maybe I still believe them a little.

To be better,

one must work to be better.

This isn't a new year's resolution. It's sort of a life resolution. I've always tried hard to make myself a better version of... myself. Lately, I've just been bitching about how things aren't right. Given, I did a lot of that bitching in my head. Regardless, it's easy to forget how in control of my life I can be. So, I'm taking control.

Instead of...

Complaining I have no friends, I'll be a better friend to those in my life.
Wishing I was organized, I'll get organized.
Wanting people to call me, I'll call people.
Hoping someone will strike up a conversation with me, I will strike up a conversation.

These are simple, natural conclusions to come to. Jesus, why didn't I come to them sooner?

Things I've decided to do:

Sleep when I'm tired
Smile more
Not cancel plans
Be the friend I want others to be to me
Be unflinchingly honest
Unabashedly read teen fiction
Embrace Phoenix. For the time being.
Worry only about things it will do good to worry about
Stop. Fucking. Projecting.
Write back

And so, I'm still the same crazy, curly-haired being you may or may not know. But again, I've turned a page. Same story. Different chapter. These might be my favorite parts of my life--the parts where I can see the change in myself. It may be a little self-serving. But hey, I've kind of got to love the person I am. I shouldn't expect others to if I don't.

-Theresa

What rhymes with apples?

Well, it's been five weeks of teaching, twenty-four days of kindergarten, two weeks of ASU, about four tantrums and countless tears (both the students' and mine.) It's been long and it's been extremely difficult. But I've been doing it. And I kind of really love it. Most of the kids are really amazing little creatures. The remaining few created tantrums and tears of their own and mine. But you know what? They're kind of pretty amazing too. Even though I can't be entirely certain if they're learning to read and write at the pace that they should be, they're learning manners and personal responsibility. I can tell because there are fewer tantrums. And that can't ever be bad.

Life is moving forward, I think. And I need to be moving with it. I'm certainly trying in some ways. And regressing in others. I got an elephant tattoo last weekend on a pseudo-whim. It seems whenever there's a big change in my life and I feel overwhelmed and I need to take control, I change something on my body. It's never the way I dress or a better diet. No, nothing of the sort. When I moved away from home, I got my nose pierced. After getting the most specific vague answer to prayer, I got my first tattoo. After discovering I had to have surgery and putting plans to move to Phoenix into action, I got my nose pierced again. After becoming a kindergarten teacher and realizing there was no way I could walk away from it, I got an elephant tattoo. I change these things about myself because they are things I know are there. I knew all the the events were going to be big, life-changing events. And they all have been. And just like those people who get tattoos in memory of people who have died (like they'd ever forget), I permanently change something about myself, for myself, in memory of my reasoning and the process. That's ridiculous. Aren't tattoos and piercing supposed to be that weird shit that teens do to piss off their parents. I guess wisdom comes with age.

Did I mention I'm turning twenty-five? I'm turning twenty-five. Not until November, but still. I mean, I guess I've done things now and it shouldn't be so scary. But it is. I've gone to college. And I'm going again. And I have a "real" job because it's a career and I get paid enough to pay my bills. And I've travelled. But I feel like I haven't learned enough and I haven't given back enough and I haven't explored enough. Not to be twenty-five. I know. I know. I'm over-thinking this. But what don't I over think? I'm doing all these things that lean toward the "grown-up" color of the spectrum but I still don't feel... settled. I think that makes sense. Also, I never, EVER wanted to be a grown-up. I am older than some of my students' parents. It's okay. You don't have to throw up in your mouth. I just threw up in mine.

Things I've (re)learned:

I love children's books.
Dr. Seuss will always make me smile.
Gluten is mean.
Money is stupid.
I love tea.
I miss a real Fall.
Goodness, being a mother (not that I will be soon) scares the living daylights out of me.
Teaching reminds me how afraid I am to have kids of my own.
I love being a teacher.
Even if I hate lesson planning.
Kindergartners have a lot to say once they know you're listening.
You can never tell a person too many good things about oneself.

-Theresa

Miss Bindergarten

Gets Ready for Kindergarten.

I'm at a coffee shop because even though I'm getting ready for kindergarten, I'm not hooked up to the internet at my apartment yet. And I'm not ready for kindergarten. Twenty years. That's how long it's been since I've been in a kindergarten classroom. Okay, that's not true anymore because I've been setting up my classroom for the last two weeks. I'm so overwhelmed by it all. If I screw it up, these kids aren't prepared for the rest of the their lives. I know. I know. A little dramatic. But TFA got to me. I'm setting these kids up for failure if they don't get everything they need to succeed for first grade in kindergarten. If I screw up and don't show them how to count by fives correctly, I may as well just have them watching Dora the Explorer all day because at least they'd learn how to cross a bridge and be friends with a monkey or whatever it is she does when she's exploring. Needless to say, probably because I already said it in that textual vomit you just skimmed through, I'm feeling nervous and insecure about my abilities as a teacher and the reasons TFA chose me.

Tomorrow, I'm walking into my classroom and not letting those kids smell fear. I met seven of them on Thursday during Meet the Teacher night. It turns out, they were meeting me. I had a lot of fun with them but I can tell they're going to be a handful. In the best way possible. We're going to play a little and calm our nerves. Them and me. And we're going to look at the calendar and learn the days of the week and sing the August song. And we're going to learn how to line up without pushing or running on our marshmallow toes and that we shouldn't cry or be afraid of the fire drill sirens. Then, I'm going to read The Kissing Hand. I hope it puts them at ease with kindergarten. They'll make cutouts of their own hands with hearts glued on the inside to give to their parents. I'll think about all the places I've left with my hands in my pockets because no one cared to kiss them. But then! A note will fall out of the book and Chester the raccoon will lead us on a tour of the school, which will end on the playground. I'm not sure what the rest of the day will look like just yet because I haven't read through my lesson plans in a few days and that's what I'm procrastinating right now. But we'll do some math and some community circle and then they'll go to specials and home and I'll be freaking out that I'll have 179 more days of failure ahead of me. But that's a terrible attitude. I'll have 179 more days of potential success ahead of me and all my kids because failure is not an option. Because I have to set these kids up for success. Have to.

Miss Thomas is getting ready for Kindergarten. I bought my very own copy of Chicka Chicka Boom Boom. Now, I feel like a real teacher. I will leave this coffee shop shortly and spend time in an internet-free zone when I will have to be more creative in my methods of procrastination. I will set out a sensible but fun outfit and make sure I have all my students' gift bags ready. Then, I'll go through my lesson plans for the millionth time to make sure there's no way I can fail them. Actually, first I think I'll head to Borders to buy the Miss Bindergarten series since I couldn't find it at any of the used books stores. It must be a real gem of a book. Oh, then I'll have to work on creating a unit assessment because TFA said so. I just don't ask questions anymore.

Yesterday, I didn't drink any coffee. It felt great.

Love:

Snack time
Kindergarten
Phoenix rain storms
wi-fi
Fresh fruit
Hugs
Charles in Charge
Macaroni and cheese (even if it is gluten free)

Fears:

Being a bad teacher
Cockroaches
Not being able to speak Spanish
Palo Verde Beetles

To be Determined:

Living alone (for the time being)
Jon lives two hours away
Gluten Free diet
All this alone time.

Needs:

Love
Vacation
Time to write
Hugs

-Theresa

Awkward conversation starters

1. I can't hire you.
2. I've got good news and bad news and it's the same news.
3. Can I live in your house?
4. When is your boyfriend moving in with me?

1. I had an interview yesterday for a school I was getting excited to work at. I was finally excited to teach special ed because I'd be team teaching. The principal is amazing. It's a straight shot from my new apartment and only eight miles away. But another school district hired me about ten minutes before my interview would have started. I don't know what school or what subject but I'll be working at the Glendale Elementary School District. The furthest school from me will be twelve miles away. There's a glimmer of hope that I'll teach general ed instead of special ed. Either way, I'm glad that even though the principal at the school I currently volunteer at doesn't see that I could be an amazing teacher, an entire school district does, without even meeting me.

2. Jon got into med school. He'll be moving to Tucson by the end of July. Knowing that he was moving away, even though it's only two hours away, made me realize how much I actually like him.

3. I moved all my stuff and a bunch of other random stuff from other people into my new apartment. Institute for TFA is at ASU's campus and we have to stay there for about six weeks. I was going to move my stuff to storage but I know my new landlady so she let me move my stuff in, pay a security deposit (which I haven't yet done...) and officially start paying rent when I move in. Which will be the day before I officially start working at a school. So I'm staying with Jon's parents until Tuesday, which is when induction starts and TFA owns my soul, officially.

4. I'll have a new roommate next year. It's a friend's boyfriend. A little awkward. But he's moving here from D.C. and I didn't make enough friends this year. I considered living with another person from TFA since there's going to be a bunch of them moving out this way but decided against it. But I'm the kind of person who brings work home. And it would be bad to live with someone who did the same thing. I don't think I'd ever see the light of day again. Fortunately, my friend's place is much bigger than mine and they're going to have cable. So I'll probably have my own place. He's moving here the last week of August.

Once I start getting paid, I'm going to be taking more trips.

-Theresa

Yesterday was Zac Hanson's birthday.

So, it's about that time. You know, where I start to feel a little guilty for not having updated in awhile. More, I feel guilty for not having written in a little while. Sort of. Here's an up to date list of truths:

I don't hate Arizona nearly as much as I used to.
This has largely to do with the fact that I started working.
And I have friends now.
One of those friends happens to be my boyfriend.
Yes, it weirded me out to actually write that.
I still don't know what I want to do with my life.
My job is getting better with each day because I've asked for stuff to do.
I'm not sure the thyroid medicine is working but the crazy pills certainly are.
I haven't cried in over a month.
The last time I could say that was a long time ago.
My range of emotions is fairly limited at this present time.
I'm not sure I really like that.
I'm really glad that I've made myself be a person who tries to make the best of every situation.
Do I want to be a teacher?
The high temperatures were in the eighties for a week and it was perfect.
I wish I could run my toes in the grass.
The winter grass is growing but it still houses roaches.
I met my first scorpion a few days ago.
I still don't like them.
There are multiple cases of the flu (regular and swine varieties) at my school.
I haven't changed anything I do for that.
I love probiotics.
I still miss my scattered friends.
The friendships I have cultivated here lack a certain amount of depth.
I still don't know how to be in a relationship.
I've become one of those people that stops to say hello to every dog I meet.
Before acknowledging the owner.
I've driven on the freeway quite a few times now.
Alone (not following anyone and with no one else in the car) too.
These schools make me sad.
These kids deserve better.
I'm tired all the time.
In fact, I wish I was asleep right now.
But all in all, my life is pretty good right now.
And I believe I'm making the most of it.

-Theresa

Take your hands out of pockets

and hold me.

You may or may not know these things:

I've been in Arizona for two weeks and one day.
I haven't "adjusted" yet.
That's my cop out way of saying I think I might've made a mistake in moving here.
I've never been on a date.
Of the two guys I "dated" in high school, one is gay and the other is married.
I get complimented most on my skin lately.
I've spent a lot of my life being told I was fat and ugly.
I have a hard time believing otherwise because of it.
I'm seeing a psychiatrist on Monday.
It makes me sad because I think I need to.
I have never had so much nothing to do in my life as I do right now.
I've spent most of my life being busy so I wouldn't have to think too much.
The last "good" night of sleep I had was on a Saturday afternoon almost four weeks ago.
Things are what you make of them.
Things are what you make of them, baby.
I worry that I'm never going to be enough.
I worry that I'm never going to feel like I'm enough.
I think my mom did a good job teaching me what she needed to for me to be a good wife.
The liberal college student in me isn't supposed to feel that way.
I want to feel like I belong.
Like I'm necessary.
Wanted.
How did I take so many steps backward?
I know I'm supposed to, but I don't really like Daniel Johnston all that much.
For three days this week, I worked for free.
I didn't mind much because it gave me something to do.
I miss having people to talk to about God.
My life story is starting to feel manufactured and impersonal.
It's okay, I stopped reading too.

-Theresa

Dumbed down and numbed

By time and age.

Today's list of facts:

My roommate gets married in thirteen days.
I'm going to Manistee, MI for 4 July weekend.
I'm not sure if that's a good idea yet.
I feel like I'm being replaced.
Does that really matter if I'm leaving?
I wrote a bit yesterday.
I went to a show alone last night and wrote a whole lot more.
If I played guitar well enough, the fragments I wrote would become songs.
I've been drinking Kava Cool Complex.
It works well enough that I wonder if I need something stronger.
I thought The Crazy had leveled off.
I forgot that going off of birth control has just as many side effects as being on it.
I've been doing the gluten free thing for a little while now and I definitely feel better.
This is my second-to-last Thursday of work in Kalamazoo.
I miss having someone to talk to about Jesus.
I miss days of prayer.
I miss you.
The pieces of a million puzzles have come together at the same time and I'm doing my best to figure out what goes where.
Even though I rarely see my family now, I'm going to miss randomly being able to catch rides to see them.
Moving to Arizona is finally starting to seem like a good idea.
I don't know where I belong. Or how or with whom or if I do at all.
There's supposed to be a going away party for me but it's just another summer excuse to drink.
I don't really like Dave Matthews all that much.
Every time I admit that, I feel like I'm committing a sin.
If you ask me to tell you who I am, I don't know that I would be able to do it.

In your words, I begin to understand myself. Please, don't take them away.

-Theresa

I could be

There's no limit to the things we can and cannot not be. Right?

I could be:

a teacher.
alive forever.
a writer.
someone with a career.
a best friend.
somewhere else.
anywhere else.
a wife.
a mother.
less intimidating.
in love.
better.
a strong swimmer.
taller.
tall.
better dressed.
alive at all.

I have these plans to start something new. I'm going to follow through with them. My head is full of words and words and sentiments. They keep me company.

-Theresa

Grab the Kids and the Cats

And let's go.

I had thought The Crazy had leveled off. Yesterday, in a moment of weakness and frustration, I found myself curled in a ball, eating Mexican dip, trying not to cry while watching a Nickelodeon movie I had rented from the library. Ah, let the good times roll. Rather than waiting for my real life to begin, perhaps I'll just attack the life I have head on and demand the best out of it. By putting the best of myself into it. While feeling sorry for myself last night, I wondered what of me there was left. Dramatic, I know. Ten hours of sleep helped a lot.

I've been reading quite a few teen books lately. Books written for a fifteen year-old aren't much different than books written for adults. I suppose there's only really one storyline to follow as opposed to multiple ones. To be perfectly honest, I don't need multiple story lines. There's enough going on in my head. And I read lots of "smart books" when I was in school. And even after I graduated. But my mind needs a break. I'm happily reading The Princess Diaries series by Meg Cabot. I'd heard many good things about it. The main character is in her teens and even though I'm not a princess or a princess in training, I still worry about the same things: The food I eat, the people I consider friends and for the love of God, why are boys so stupid? I also finished The Giver today. I don't know how, in all my years of education, I managed to miss that book. I shouldn't give in to the Sameness. But I suppose that's never been my problem.

I really enjoyed my guitar lesson this week. My left hand hurt a lot afterward. We worked on picking. More specifically Freight Train and The Ballad of Love and Hate. I still suck. A lot. But I'm loving every minute of it. I'm going to miss these Thursday nights.

Things I'm worried about:

Driving to Arizona.
Having saved enough money for the two months I'll be unemployed.
Actually moving.
Worrying too much.
Packing.
My appointment with another specialist in July.
The Crazy.

Things will get better. This is just a valley. Right?

-Theresa

If I live too long I'm afraid I'll die.

I always feel like I need a title. Sometimes it relates. Sometimes not. I was watching Darjeeling Limited today.

I need new music if only for the fact that every time I hear music from you, it makes me think of you.

So, it's not Endometriosis, which is great. But I'm still having the same problem and there's not a clear solution it seems. Which is not so great.

Pushing the moving date back a bit. My roommate is getting married 8 July and I kind of want to be there and she kind of wants me to be there. I hadn't put in official resignations to either job yet so it wasn't a big deal. Plus, making more money seems like a great plan. And getting to see friends I probably won't see because no one seems to like Arizona. What'd Arizona ever do to you, huh?

My throat hurts a bit but seems to be getting better. It's a good thing I love fruit because I'm eating it in abundance to make the sickness go away. Which reminds me: I'M GOING TO BE HERE FOR BLUEBERRY SEASON! I put that in all caps so that you could understand my excitement, not to yell at you. I LOVE BLUEBERRIES. If I wanted to hurt all the other berries' feelings, I would call blueberries my favorite but that seems cruel. So I won't. (But really, they kind of are and I think they know it.)

Of all the parts of me that hurt the most right now, I think my soul is in the lead. It's missing something. It needs something. I haven't given it enough attention. You.

The only ways I like chocolate:

In its hot, liquid form.
As part of a Kit Kat bar but only the normal-sized ones.
Wrapped around a peanut and with a candy-coated shell. With a little stamped "m."
Wrapped around peanut butter.
From boys.

Vampire Weekend, I've been meaning to tell you for a while: I give a fuck about an Oxford Comma but only because I hate it so much. See what I did there? I showed you some of that English drama.

Oh, and those "like" options at the bottom don't notify like Facebook does. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

That all being said, I didn't really have very much to say.

-Theresa

Let's see...

Surgery is on 29 April.
I am still scared.
I still like guitar a lot but I wish, like I'm sure many do, that I was just natural at it.
I'm going to be a teacher's assistant starting in September.
I am also going to be leading after school programs.
Moving day is still 20 June.
I have put in notice at both of my jobs.
I don't know if I am more scared of not succeeding, driving or surgery.
Very little surprises me anymore.
I like doing nice things for people.
I wish I could function past midnight.
I wish I could stay asleep at night.
I seem to talk about myself a lot.
Watching movies rented from the library seems to be a sufficient distraction.
The internet bores me.
I would say I wish I had a life but more, I wish I could hold onto it.
I'm okay being the scape goat on this one. So okay.
But you... You, I miss a little.

I'm not yet the person I wish I was.

Phoenix, AZ (Part Two)

I guess I neglected this for a bit. I guess I'm okay with that. I'm back in Kalamazoo for the time being. These are the facts:

I wrote my essay for my position for Americorps while drinking.
I was offered an interview and a position in the same day.
Pending a background check, I have a position with Americorps.
I signed an application for an apartment in Tempe, AZ.
The moving truck leaves Kalamazoo 20 June.
I might already have a subleaser in Kalamazoo.
Even though I know I could, I don't want to share a room until I'm married.
I'm scared to go.
Even though we're moving in June, the Americorps position doesn't start until September.
I'm going to get a part time job and then keep it while volunteering.
My dad didn't seem disappointed in my decision to take a low paying position.
I still really hate driving.
I should look into the possibility that Xanax might improve my daily life.
You're reading this so you know I'm moving. Otherwise, I don't think I'm going to advertise the fact.
That's not to say it's a secret.
I don't know why I even said that.
Do I need to put in a two month's notice?
I'm a little nervous too.
Right now, I'm tired.

-Theresa

Please, pick one.

If you deciphered from my last post, all of the positions I was going to interview for in Arizona have been filled. They don't need anymore English teachers. I was offered the option of changing my focus to Special Education. I said I would consider it. Here's the thing: I can see myself as an English teacher. I can taste it. The idea of getting a Masters of Education with a focus on language was so endlessly thrilling that I feel like I'm settling for a job with Special Education. Those students deserve someone who wants to be there. Besides, if I do Special Ed, I would have to get my Masters in Special Ed in addition to passing the teacher certification test. I have a few options, I think.

1. Go for Special Education. This would require a three year commitment to Phoenix Teaching Fellows and to getting a Masters in Special Ed. In the future, it seems it would make sense to continue to work in the area I would have my degree in. Otherwise, it's a waste of money on a degree.

2. Take the English certification test anyway and call to see how long it will last for (the certification). If I pass, I'm going to see if I can reapply to the PTF program the following year. After all, I have a degree in English.

3. Move to Phoenix, go to ASU and get my Masters of Education without going through PTF. Work part time.

4. Substitute teaching?

5. Move to Phoenix and look for a new plan. This would happen regardless of whether I get a job before going or not.

6. Apply to jobs everywhere again and go where I get a job, regardless of the fact that I might be going alone.

7. Pick somewhere. Move. Settle.

8. Reader's choice. Be specific.

You know what's not an option? Staying in Kalamazoo. Or Michigan as a whole.

The catches lie here: I got the phone call about them filling the position on Friday. I was wallowing in self-pity (as you may have glossed over) and so I didn't read the follow-up email until the next morning. Well, that was stupid because, apparently, I had to change my certification test. And, of course, the last day to do that was Friday. Registering to take the test was $105. In the grand scheme of things, that's not very much. But that represents about ten percent of my current monthly income. I would hate to throw away a potential future. Or $105. I'm calling Monday morning to see what I can do about that and see if the test will still be good later. If it is, I'm going to call PTF and see what the process of reapplying would look like. Also, if I don't go through PTF and I do decide to get my Masters degree anyway, I would have to pay out of state tuition.

I'm just disappointed. It was the first time in a long time that I was really excited about something. I wasn't just settling and I was going to go for it. And I wanted to. I really wanted to. I had reservations. But I always do. I have until 10 August to figure out the next year now. I have about ten days to figure out what I'm going to do in Arizona while I'm there.

Allow me to reiterate: staying in Kalamazoo is not an option.

Hey, friend? Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm meant to stay here and help you.

I asked my current roommate. She said she'd consider randomly moving somewhere with me. I'm not sure it'll happen. The thing is, when I moved to Kalamazoo, I moved alone. I did okay, I guess. But I don't really need to do that. I'm not really running away from anything this time. But maybe I need a fresh start and should do it again. We'll see. I've been sending resumes out again. I'm going to try to do at least one a day. But damn, that's a lot of cover letters.

Anyway, tell me your thoughts, please. Encouragement, criticisms, insight, more choices... Whatever. I need the feedback, I think.

Thanks, friends.

-Theresa

Fuck you, 2009.

I had hopes for you. I had dreams. And you've managed to piss them all away. You're like a dramatic comedy. You sucked me in with the part about the comedy. I always think they're not going to be as dark as the last one or that the comedy will far outshine the drama. That is never the case and I never learn.

2009, you've set up everything for me and gradually took it away. The first day I spent with you seemed like a dream. I should have known better.

Here are some ways you have let me down:

1. My health is in general disarray. Have you and Body joined forces?
2. I am as alone as ever and reminded of it almost every day.
3. You made it clear that I no longer belong in Kalamazoo. Or Michigan.
4. All of the seventh and eighth grade language arts positions in Phoenix, AZ are full. My interview is not for two more weeks.
5. My haircut is stupid.
6. The Last House on the Left.

But before you let me down, 2009, you tend to present an opportunity and then take it away. On 1 January, 2009, every single thing on that list had promise, except for maybe number 4. I didn't know about the positions yet. (And I knew number six was going to suck but man, that sucked way more than I thought it would. Don't even bother.) There seemed to be potential for happiness. Joy, even. I've got to tell you, it's heartbreaking. It hurts to be teased like that. It hurts to see the potential of something good right in front of you and watch it disintegrate and be able to do nothing about it. There is a way to feel good and it's eluding me.

I tried, 2009, to do what I could. I'm only two and a half months in and I want a new year. Things are supposed to be better. Our president isn't a complete sack of shit. I'm a college graduate. The country I live in is impoverished but it's all its own fault. My roommate is great. But dammit, I don't want to be here anymore. I can't be here anymore. I've got to get out of here.

I'm so disconnected, I don't know what to do. I don't know who to be or how to be. And I am selfish.

How do you think I would fare as a special education teacher?

2009, I am not only not impressed: I am disappointed, hurt and broken.

-Theresa

I wish I had a mango tree

In my backyard.

Soon here, it might be an orange tree.

Today's thoughts or whatever:

I have been invited to interview for the fellowship in Phoenix.
I can't get the song Mango Tree by Angus & Julia Stone out of me.
While looking up the MySpace link for them, I realized that they are going to be playing in Phoenix with Brett Dennan while I'm in Arizona the second time.
I'm going to Arizona with the people I would be moving with on 28 Feb until 6 March.
We're taking my car.
I would have to go back again on 29 March for an interview. I think I will spring for the plane ticket.
I might pick some asparagus.
I'm always amazed at how things turn out, good or bad.
I am worried that things are working out too well for the Arizona thing.
Since trying to play guitar, I pay more attention to strum patterns and it makes me love songs even more.
I like that I still love music and appreciate it more now than when I was in band in school.
I wish I could understand what happened.
I still miss you.
What if I don't get the position?
The calluses on my left hand don't look gross yet.
I am making it my goal to cross things off my proverbial life list. This year.
I'm not sure what I want. But I know that whatever it is, I don't want it alone.

If It's the Beaches

An update in lists:

Things I can do to keep my mind off:

1. Clean
2. Learn Guitar
3. Find a better job
4. Apply to graduate school
5. Drink
6. Drive
7. Make a new mix CD about things that make me happy
8. Sleep
9. Work more
10. Make lists
11. Study
12. Not cat sit
13. Work out
14. Plan

Things that are probably true:

1. It sometimes takes me time to find the right words, making me not the best of all communicators.
2. I over think absolutely everything.
3. I meant what I said. I mean what I say every time.
4. You're busy.
5. You changed your mind
6. I need to apply myself more.
7. I always, always get ahead of myself.
8. I should drink less than I have been.
9. Life is lived in the gray areas. But having definite answers every now and then feels pretty good.
10. Money rules everything.
11. Friends, you were wrong.

Things that are true:

1. I'm starting guitar lessons on Thursday. I'm paying for them by making dinner.
2. I miss school.
3. I miss you.
4. The hugs in my life have been seriously lacking.
5. My hours were cut at one of my jobs. I have prime openings for looking for another job.
6. I don't like the way I feel the next day after eating or drinking too much.
7. The only buttons that work on my phone are as follows: 1, 3, 5, 7, *, Send, End, Messages and Contacts.
8. I think I like it when people call me.
9. Even though I'm a bad phone person, I get better with practice.
10. I don't want to be here anymore.