Grab the Kids and the Cats

And let's go.

I had thought The Crazy had leveled off. Yesterday, in a moment of weakness and frustration, I found myself curled in a ball, eating Mexican dip, trying not to cry while watching a Nickelodeon movie I had rented from the library. Ah, let the good times roll. Rather than waiting for my real life to begin, perhaps I'll just attack the life I have head on and demand the best out of it. By putting the best of myself into it. While feeling sorry for myself last night, I wondered what of me there was left. Dramatic, I know. Ten hours of sleep helped a lot.

I've been reading quite a few teen books lately. Books written for a fifteen year-old aren't much different than books written for adults. I suppose there's only really one storyline to follow as opposed to multiple ones. To be perfectly honest, I don't need multiple story lines. There's enough going on in my head. And I read lots of "smart books" when I was in school. And even after I graduated. But my mind needs a break. I'm happily reading The Princess Diaries series by Meg Cabot. I'd heard many good things about it. The main character is in her teens and even though I'm not a princess or a princess in training, I still worry about the same things: The food I eat, the people I consider friends and for the love of God, why are boys so stupid? I also finished The Giver today. I don't know how, in all my years of education, I managed to miss that book. I shouldn't give in to the Sameness. But I suppose that's never been my problem.

I really enjoyed my guitar lesson this week. My left hand hurt a lot afterward. We worked on picking. More specifically Freight Train and The Ballad of Love and Hate. I still suck. A lot. But I'm loving every minute of it. I'm going to miss these Thursday nights.

Things I'm worried about:

Driving to Arizona.
Having saved enough money for the two months I'll be unemployed.
Actually moving.
Worrying too much.
Packing.
My appointment with another specialist in July.
The Crazy.

Things will get better. This is just a valley. Right?

-Theresa

If you're going to lose then

Might as well lose big then.

At work. Library.

At KVCC today, had some old regulars in. The Peacock in particular always keeps things interesting. Not good. Not bad. Just interesting. Kristalynn knows. We have ourselves a regular old farm over there.

Kalamazoo is choking me. I feel suffocated. Two different things, I know. Both having to do with the loss of oxygen. It's freezing. It's stifling. How many more adjectives do you think I can come up with? Part of me wants to succumb to all Kalamazoo has to offer. Part of me has. The rest of me wants to grow out of this place. The part that knows better is telling me to move on.

If I had a million dollars I would pay off my debt, give you some and then get on a plane and glance back but not long enough to come back.

I know why I went to college. I went because I was supposed to. And to have a reason to move away from home. Western fulfilled both criteria. I remember when I was five and I wanted to be a teacher like my dad wanted to be a teacher. He got there. I didn't. Changed paths. Prematurely, it seems. But I didn't come to college to fall in love and get married. Or to find a career. Or find God. Nor did I do those things. (Not that I would have minded had those things happened.) I'm so unattached it disgusts me. I'm single with two part-time jobs and a relationship with Jesus that I can only describe as weak. At least lately. On the Jesus, I mean. The single and multiple part-time jobs is really just par for the course.

Thoughts on the rain:

I think my favorite place to be when it's raining is inside a car.
But not as the driver.
Tea makes a rainy day perfect.
I never really hated the rain. Just the memory.
I like summer rains. Especially when the steam rises from the pavement.
I don't like wet pants.
I never don't want hugs when it's raining.
I could use a glass or bottle of wine.
Blankets and arms make the best shelters.

If my heart is my home, why do I feel so out of place most of the time?

I'm going to Grand Rapids tomorrow. The Apple store should have answers and a new computer waiting for me. The iSight problem happened again today. I was guaranteed a new computer if that ever happened again. So, I guess that's that.

I'm going to start reading Salman Rushdie's Midnight's Children.

If you think I should read a book or listen to something, let me know.

-Theresa