Borrower

For the first time in my life, I bought a car. The two cars I've had in my life were leased for me. Because they were borrowed, I had no problem letting others drive my car for me. That and the crippling fear of driving. But today, I hit the thousand mile mark on my car. And I drove every one of those miles. That's the first time that's ever happened in a car that was "mine." I've done all the driving. I know that's not impressive at all to most people out there. But this is huge for me.

And yet, it all feels so similar. February and wondering why it is that the pieces still don't fit together just right. What is it that keeps friends from hearing the strain in my voice? All day today, I've really just needed to talk. So... I came to my blog.

What I really want to say: Last night, my ex-boyfriend texted me to say he was thinking of me. Why? It would have been better for us to have been friends right away than get random texts four months later. But maybe that's just me. And as for that guy I was seeing, well, I haven't heard from him in a few days. I suppose it's to be expected.

Actually, it's not. I'll admit it: I'm pretty fucking great, folks. So, maybe I can be a shitty friend because I'd rather stay in and watch a movie than go out and drink but there is no one in my life I let down more than myself. But that's always been me. I kind of just have to know: why do people keep giving up on me? I haven't given up on myself. Even when I make stupid decisions like eating nachos instead of a salad and reading instead of sleeping and being honest instead of not. And yet, I'm starting to believe that people want to be lied to. People don't want to hear the truth. I refuse to accommodate. I'd be letting myself down if I didn't remain the honest person that I am. And I can't do that anymore. I can't give up on myself if everyone else is going to.

I'm beginning to understand that all the time I spend in other people's lives is just borrowed. It's not really mine to keep. It's limited and eventually, I have to give it back. I mean, I worked in a library--not a bookstore. And even the promises of permanence seem to have expiration dates. But this car and those thousand miles--it feels really good to own them. To have known they were mine to keep. To know I won't have to give them back. And while a car is not permanent, I guess I wish I could feel that way about a few more things in my life.

-Theresa

When Devonnes Grown Old

At McDonald's, after ordering a drink (it's only a dollar for a fountain drink):

Devonne: Excuse me, miss. Is it okay if I ask you a question?
Me: (Pause.) Sure. (Brace myself.)
Devonne: How old are you?
Me: (Sigh of relief.) Twenty-five.
Devonne: No way. I would've thought for sure you were younger. Like a freshman. In high school.
Me: Oh, um, thanks.
Devonne: No, I mean, you're pretty. What are you? Mexican?
Me: No
Devonne: Black? White? Mixed? Eastern European?
Me: Nope. No, Nah. No. Middle Eastern. Not many guess.
Devonne: Oh, that's nice. But you real pretty. I mean, real, real pretty. You should really do something with that. You could do something with that.
Me: (Awkward laughter) Oh, thanks.
Devonne: I mean, I'm not tryin' to pick you up or anything, I'm just saying you're pretty.
Me: (Back away and make my exit.)

Items of note:

This Devonne was at least in his fifties.
He wouldn't move away from the pop dispenser, which is all I went in for.
I was still wearing my name badge that clearly states I'm a teacher.
He watched me drive up.
He still hit on me even though he thought I was a freshman in high school.

Now, I know this doesn't seem like I was hit on. But I've known many-a Devonne in my life. And believe me, it was a Devonne moment.

-Theresa

Haves and Have Nots

The Haves:

I have been seeing someone for a few weeks now. I'm not sure where it's going and I'm not going to push it. It could be over, for all I know. Regardless, it's kind of fun to date.

I have spent too much time in bed lately, feeling sick. This weekend and last weekend comprised mostly of me in my bed (alone) with a book or a movie between naps.

I have become addicted to kettle corn and I don't mind one bit.

I have let a lot of people down but I can't live my life like that anymore.

I have invented a new game: College.

My emotions may have leveled off, but I still have feelings, folks.

In a lot of ways, I've become the kind of person I've been working toward becoming.



The Have Nots:

I have (had) not been taking my medication for a few days. I'd been trying to ween off and decided to just go big and stop all together. As it turns out, they're not joking about not stopping abruptly. Apparently, withdrawal is a very real thing. Side effects: nausea, dizziness, flu-like symptoms, ringing in ears, headaches. And it can last for about two weeks. This could explain all the time I've spent in bed. So I started taking the pills again because I can't let this get in the way of work. I'll wait until the summer.

I still feel like I have no idea what I'm doing as a teacher. I want to get better at it.

I have not done my homework or completed my lesson plans for the week. (Edit: I have finished homework and two days worth of plans as of 6:15.)

I have not yet bought a bike tire.

I have not yet stopped self-deprecating remarks because maybe I still believe them a little.