Since winter in Michigan lasts well through April, I'm not the least bit surprised that things haven't turned around.
In some ways they have, I suppose. I'll be moving. But I know that a change of venue doesn't change the quality of the music: just one's perception of it.
Some time this week, I'll be getting a phone call to schedule a surgery. It's going to be out-patient and I'm going to be asleep while two procedures are performed but the thought of it is making me sick. I'm scared. I'M SCARED. Stoic exterior be damned. I'm not sure I can handle this alone.
They're not sure what they're looking for. If they find nothing, I have to get more invasive procedures done. If they find that it's Endometriosis, I have to further experiment with birth control and suck it up because it's something I'm going to deal with for the rest of my life. Oh, and it leads to infertility. I've been assured no more than a quarter inch scar on my belly and another one hidden inside my belly button. These pamphlets are doing very little to help.
I can't do this alone. I'm asking for... Well, I don't know what I'm asking for but I have a hard time asking for help when I need it and I think I need it.
In the mean time, I'm giving myself today to dwell on it. I think I'm going to go to the bar after work. Tomorrow, I'll still be scared. But I'll be sober and I'm going to try to pretend like everything is okay because I'm so fucking sick of it not being okay.
-Theresa
2 comments:
tay tay, lots of people have endometriosis, and then they think they have to try for babies NOW cuz they think they're doomed. I have known over a handful of people with it and they have ALL had babies (some it turns out were easier to conceive than they thought too!) Surgeries are super scary; I have had my share of out-patient ones for bizarre things too. If you need anything, just let me know! I'm always here!
Thanks, Nikky. Yeah, I'm sure it's pretty common. It's just... scary. I'm twenty-three and I'm not married so I wasn't really thinking about kids but it's just weird to think that it might be an issue later on. I'm mostly scared about the surgery. I've never had surgery before and the procedure seems scary because of it. Part of me hopes it's Endometriosis so that I know what's wrong with me and another part hopes it's not because I'm not sure I can handle being on birth control for the rest of my life. Crap. I hate not feeling well. Anyway, thanks for the comment, Nikky. It's all helpful to know. :)
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