I'm Yours

if you want me.

And that seems to be the problem. I've been listening to this mix I made (title: On a Last Night) for someone I once thought I knew. It's just full of these songs that I can't help but sing along to and feel alive when hearing. Twenty-five songs full. Stuck in my head--in my life--is this song by Chris Thile. It just says everything. It's amazing. But do you know what would make it perfect? If it's a song someone wishes I would hear and think of him. And that's the problem with my music. As in, the music I listen to. It's so full of meaning. It means so much to me. So much that I want to share it. I want to share the message I've heard and felt and can't articulate any better, try as I might. It's so full that I want to share it. And so I do. And I share what it means to me. Or try to.

But as much of a problem as that is, the real problem is that I'm the one giving away songs and meanings and intentions like the ones in the songs I breathe by. I'm just giving it away. No one needs to question my intentions and my thoughts because I'm just laying it all out on the line. And for a while, I thought it was refreshing to have a person like me in my life. But now I'm thinking that maybe it's really annoying. It might be frustrating. It might be... emasculating. I mean, that's just if I'm being full of myself. I just think back to all those books I felt obligated to read when I gave into guilt and obligation. And I won't link to them but my goodness, don't read a book that's written for women by a woman AND her husband if you don't want to go crazy(ier). Because you might say things like this: Those stupid books that I didn't want to read but can't let go might be onto something. Maybe they were right about men wanting to pursue women. That we needed to make it a little easier on them by not moving so much. By not having our own lives and not being... real individuals. That we need to play those stupid games where the rules get hard to keep track of. Because otherwise, all you might end up with is playlists on a medium that may eventually become obsolete professing your belonging to another person who might have skipped over the track because he didn't like the key the song was written in.

Or something like that.

I'm not sure it's something I'm willing to change yet. But maybe I shouldn't wear my heart on my sleeve so much. Or maybe I should wear it on my sleeve but try to quit trying to give it away so much. I keep thinking there's got to be someone out there for me. But maybe there isn't.

And maybe that's okay. As long as Sarah Dessen keeps writing for the rest of my life.

And I say that in jest and not really so much in jest. I don't want to be alone. But that's what I am and I should make the most of it. So I will try.

-Theresa