What it is about driving

that I hate so much is that there is so much going on at one time that it's overwhelming to catalogue it all and keep as much in my control as possible at the same time. I get anxious while driving because I am hyper-aware of the world around me. I notice when a car or truck is swerving a little or when other drivers are on their phones. As I notice this, I worry that they won't notice that I'm a nervous driver, my grip on the steering wheel tightens.

It's not that I've become less aware. It's that my awareness no longer causes as much of a physical reaction. And it's not some special breathing technique or mantra I repeat. It's a generic of effexor that allows me to drive on roads I've learned the curves of. Unfortunately, I still react as I did before if it's a road I haven't driven before. Or if it's night time.

Because my dad so constantly reminds me that I need to take care of myself, I began to feel more and more broken because my fear of driving was a way that I was not taking care of myself. My fear of driving was just one more thing about me that wasn't quite right. And I wanted to fix it so I could take care of myself. Not because I really want to drive. No, I hate driving. I wanted to fix it so that I felt a little less unloveable.

Of all the things I've learned in the last year, the one that I think will stick with me for a while is that no matter how much I want to be loved, I can't force it. I can't make anyone love me. I know, I know. I need to love myself. And I do. Just not with the same passion that I love others. And so, unfortunately, I still continue to feel unloveable. And so, though I am putting more life pieces together, I am still broken. I am still not whole.

This isn't post-break-up pain. This is just the realization that as much as I want to take control of my life, some things are just uncontrollable. And that weakness I have that becomes so much more apparent when I have to drive might be a blessing because it made me feel like I needed to do something. So I went on an anti-anxiety/anti-depressant. And it made a difference in my life because I can drive more often. And it made a difference in my brother's life because he's still alive. Because he sees my weakness as a strength. Because, though I may feel unloveable, I know that I am worth love. I know that I deserve love.

I deserve love.

And that is why I am single. Not because I am unloveable. Because I'm not. Though I may be crazy and passionate and want to be nice and love life and everything in it, I am not unloveable. I will not settle for thinking that I am.

-Theresa