And now, I'm on my knees.
I haven't felt this... Sad? Lost? Confused? I haven't felt this aware of my surroundings in a while. I miss it and I'm glad it's back but I wish it would go away. I feel haunted by the decisions I have and haven't made. What is it about me that leaves me unsatisfied so much of the time?
Oh, I know. The knowledge that I could be more, should be more and was meant for something better. That's what it is.
In so many ways, I've been lucky. I barely squeak by on a lot of things but I usually squeak by. I made it through high school and then college and at least I have a job. I don't know how many times I went for walks in the dark, let alone in broad (as broad as it can be in Michigan) daylight, alone. Drunk. Sober. Angry. Free. I made it back every time. I got to where I was going. Yes, I was stopped from time to time. Yes, I was followed a time or two. But I made it every time. I squeak by.
I'm sure that a few of you out there have received phone calls from me in some of my more... honest moods. And I'd tell you all the things that I was thinking but seemed crazy. My thoughts seemed too out there but too self-involved. I miss those conversations. Lately, I have those conversations in my head on the drive from here to there or somewhere else but nowhere important. I have these conversations with myself and folks, I give shitty advice. I sure am sorry if I've given you advice and you took it or considered taking it. Just don't listen.
I drink beer to improve my mind[...] to help mankind.
I wouldn't mind a night on the balcony with some beer, a guitar and a friend. I would love it. And then whoever is out there with me, we'd trade stories and tell each other what we really think of each other and talk in frankness and openness and it'd be the best night until the next night like that. I'm rarely at a balcony or a porch much anymore. The last words of honesty spoken to me were on a roof. If I take into consideration all the thoughts rolling around in my oddly tanned head, I'm not sure how important that roof will be.
I'm afraid to talk about the future because what if it's not there? What if I let myself down? What if... What if I never figure it out?
-Theresa
2 comments:
Once I get my porch built onto my new house, I'll buy two rocking chairs and some good beer. Then you should come visit me. We can have conversations and play guitar. It'd be nice, especially if the lightening bugs are out.
You have yourself a deal. It might not be before August. But you have a deal.
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