I do as I please

And now, I'm on my knees.

I haven't felt this... Sad? Lost? Confused? I haven't felt this aware of my surroundings in a while. I miss it and I'm glad it's back but I wish it would go away. I feel haunted by the decisions I have and haven't made. What is it about me that leaves me unsatisfied so much of the time?

Oh, I know. The knowledge that I could be more, should be more and was meant for something better. That's what it is.

In so many ways, I've been lucky. I barely squeak by on a lot of things but I usually squeak by. I made it through high school and then college and at least I have a job. I don't know how many times I went for walks in the dark, let alone in broad (as broad as it can be in Michigan) daylight, alone. Drunk. Sober. Angry. Free. I made it back every time. I got to where I was going. Yes, I was stopped from time to time. Yes, I was followed a time or two. But I made it every time. I squeak by.

I'm sure that a few of you out there have received phone calls from me in some of my more... honest moods. And I'd tell you all the things that I was thinking but seemed crazy. My thoughts seemed too out there but too self-involved. I miss those conversations. Lately, I have those conversations in my head on the drive from here to there or somewhere else but nowhere important. I have these conversations with myself and folks, I give shitty advice. I sure am sorry if I've given you advice and you took it or considered taking it. Just don't listen.

I drink beer to improve my mind[...] to help mankind.

I wouldn't mind a night on the balcony with some beer, a guitar and a friend. I would love it. And then whoever is out there with me, we'd trade stories and tell each other what we really think of each other and talk in frankness and openness and it'd be the best night until the next night like that. I'm rarely at a balcony or a porch much anymore. The last words of honesty spoken to me were on a roof. If I take into consideration all the thoughts rolling around in my oddly tanned head, I'm not sure how important that roof will be.

I'm afraid to talk about the future because what if it's not there? What if I let myself down? What if... What if I never figure it out?

-Theresa

Damn.

This woman is a girl I volunteer with. I can't stop thinking about it.

Wish me luck

I know you think I'll need it.

I've come here with no real intention other than to write. My emotions are lacking. I don't have to sort them out because I know things now rather than feeling things. While I'm less crazy because of this, I'm not quite me. Being crazy has its downside but for the most part, it's how I've learned to function. And you know, it was working if we forget about all the crying jags and fear of driving. Okay, so it wasn't working. But I kind of liked the process of sorting through my emotions. It really helped me sort through things that did or didn't happen. But now, I just have facts and circumstances. How do I know what to feel if I'm not overwhelmed by emotion? I think what I'm saying is that... Well, I'm not sure what I'm saying. Maybe I'm just reflecting in a way I said I didn't much anymore.

Some humans ain't human.

I'm going to be a teacher. Weird. I couldn't even keep a third grader from stabbing a second grader with a pencil. Shit.

Seven or so months. And I understand what I've critisized for so long. Perfect? No. Good? Yes.

This post lacks a significant amount of profundity. I can't find it.

It's getting hot in Phoenix. The oranges have already blossomed and the fruit doesn't smell as sweet as the flower. I hate air conditioning. But I sure do love balconies. Regardless, I'd give up any pool to be by a natural water source. I often miss the life of a hippie. In all fairness, I'm rarely not barefoot.

It's funny: I feel that many of my emotions have been evading me but I constantly feel overwhelmed with guilt.

But I know, it'll be alright.

-Theresa