Everything Trying

I couldn't fall asleep last night. And then when I finally fell asleep, I couldn't stay asleep. I woke up at five from a dream that shouldn't have seemed as bad as it seemed. Heart racing.

I don't know if I actually hurt you but if I did, I'm sorry. I rarely defend myself in circumstances such as these but you gave me nothing to go on. I acted. I reacted. I tried to move on. Someone else offered me something Good. And it seemed like it would be good. So I chose to follow a path that I thought might make me happy. Regardless of the fact that everything in me told me not to. I needed a little something to go on. I made the wrong choice. I know it. Now. But I have to tell you, it felt pretty good to make a choice. I mean, it didn't feel so great when that choice later came back to haunt me. Continues to haunt me. Words mean just as much to me as actions. I am sorry. I did what made the most sense at the time. I won't make excuses. I guess I already did.

I realize what drives me is love. Love for friends and family and life and Things That Matter. It's what keeps me going. Even in times and places when it seems there is a severe lack of love, I am driven to pour more love into the world. Because of this pseudo-pursuit of love, I often find myself empty. I put too much in. But is that possible? Is it possible to put too much love into the world? I don't think so. I think, however, that not all love is unconditional and that not everything that looks like love is love. I'm not saying I'm a great person. I get angry and sad and I often have to talk myself into not falling apart. Sometimes I don't agree with my boss or my parents. I use a microwave to heat up rice. I don't always drink my coffee black. I think steak is DELICIOUS. But never, NEVER have I kicked a puppy. In fact, if the option is available, I will always rub a puppy's belly as long as said puppy wants a belly rub. What's my point? Even if our intentions are good, even if the things that drive us are inherently good, our actions are not always pure or perfect. I am not perfect. I will never be. But I am learning. I am learning to be better. You know, again. Or still. And I am trying. I am learning what love is and isn't and is supposed to be. I mean, maybe it's taken the process of elimination to teach me, but everyone learns differently.

I know I've learned things about myself this year. I don't know what those things are but I'm sure it will hit me at the most inconvenient time possible. Maybe I should just buy a GPS for my car and drive to Arizona alone. That will give me lots of processing time. I just really prefer talking to people more than I do robots.

-Theresa