Things I've finally decided:

Well, working at the tech desk at the library has afforded me a few more benefits than were provided while I did shelving. For one, I can do this. And I get paid more. You can't argue with logic like that. No, you can't. I also wasn't supposed to work today and was called in. Four hours doesn't bother me so much. Plus, it's closing shift. Not terrible seeing as my bedroom may as well be a boiler room. That makes packing a little on the hellish side.

I've come to write here to let those reading know about the decisions I have more recently made. I was going to go month by month in Kalamazoo and just stick around until something better came along. This was a great plan, in theory. The best place I found was in Portage for $325 a month, everything included. It was a bedroom in a house but the woman who lives there is rarely there. This would have been ideal were I still working at Old Navy. Unfortunately, both of my jobs are downtown and the prospect of driving that far daily doesn't sound appealing with the gas prices. Plus, I think, and I think this thought held more weight, if I lived further away, the chances of me trying to socialize would decrease. I would hermitize. The thought depressed me. Honestly, once it starts getting super cold and dark early, I'll probably be driving to work anyway. The neighborhoods aren't the safest...

Which brings me to what I have decided to do: I signed a lease with a roommate in another house on Locust. It's closer to Lovell this time. It's great and cheap. The landlord seems accommodating. The girl is someone I work with but rarely see. She works in A/V and I work upstairs now. She seems really nice and down to earth. Since I barely know her, it'll probably take a while before there are issues. That's the hope anyway. I am still looking for jobs elsewhere and I have informed her of this (Marita is her name, by the way). She said she'd help find a sub-leaser.

How I feel about it: Well, I could've made a worse decision. I could have moved home with no job. This would have made my dad happy. He made it a point of telling me so. I love my parents. I really do. But moving home just didn't seem like a logical sanity decision. It was definitely a logical financial decision though. I'm sure I could have found a high paying entry level position serving coffee. Sometimes, I regret not moving home. I could have just picked somewhere and moved there. Unfortunately, I don't have enough money saved up to really do this. I mean, the dream is there. The logistics of it require an illogical risk. However, I feel, in some ways, that I have merely settled by staying in Kalamazoo. I have two okay paying jobs. In order to keep my head above water, I don't think I can work less than forty hours a week between them. I have decided to look for a third job in the area that might pay more. Silly, I know. But I know I just have to do what needs to be done.

I know that I can be something better than what I am right now. I just have to figure out how. I just feel... Stuck. It doesn't help that I signed a lease. Plus, people who are smarter than me and got degrees that would help them get jobs regardless of extra-curriculars and overall charm, are getting job offers left and right. I don't really have connections with jobs I actually want. Now, if I wanted to work in a cell-phone store, the world would be my oyster. Unfortunately, that is not the case.

Is it really possible to feel both completely disconnected and stuck at the same time? Apparently.

Oh, my new apartment lease starts 14 August. The one I'm in ends 1 August. I will be homeless for two weeks. So will my stuff. I don't mind. Marita? She's best friends with Michael Beauchamp. If you're friends with someone who makes music that good, you have to be cool.

Right?

-Theresa

On a Monday Evening

I'm at Biggby Coffee right now. I recognize this mere notion is offensive to some. The free coffee provided me by a very wonderful barista makes it possible to overlook certain sins.

I was thinking about lives in transition. This is one of the first times my apartment leases don't end. In fact, I don't even have another lease. In ten days, I will officially be homeless. I mean, I can always move back in with my parents. But, really, I've worked hard for the sanity I have managed to salvage in recent years. I'm not always well-prepared. In fact, I am often ill-prepared. I don't know why this time should be any different. Well, it is a little different. My hesitation in having signed a lease stemmed from an intense desire to be somewhere else. The need to sign a lease comes from the fact that no one wants to hire someone with a BA in English. There are two places I could potentially live right now. They are both allowing me to live on a month to month basis, which is great.

So, on this Monday evening, though I should be packing, I am not. Because the temperature in my apartment is reminiscent to a level of hell. Or something. (I'm back at my apartment now. Biggby's closed.) There's always something so final about packing. I don't like that feeling. I have trouble with both sides of commitment: grabbing on and letting go. It's why I stay with jobs I hate for so long.

Last night, Wessam called. For those of you who don't know, he is a friend I made in Egypt and the cousin of a professor. He made the time I spent in Egypt bearable. He is a wonderful person. Upon leaving Egypt, I just sort of assumed I would never see him again. Like he was a person from a past life. He'll be in the U.S. as of 6 August. We've mostly kept communication through emails. For those of you who have a received an email from me, you know how in depth they usually are. Which means, if you've given it any thought, you know they take a bit of time to write. Anyway, I guess I was just thinking about how bad I am at keeping in touch. Maybe that's what this is for. For the more general "this is what I'm thinking." Continue to expect emails or phone calls for "this is what I think of you."

Do you think it's possible to change over night? If it was possible, I would be the following things:
Neat
Not a procrastinator
Healthy
(x) pounds lighter
Able to stay awake at movies
Less nervous
A better driver
Able to stick to a budget
Employed and in a job I don't hate

These things, among others.

I don't think I would change my awkwardness. It keeps me entertained.

-Theresa

A New Beginning

I've decided to start a new blog. I've been blogging since there were only a few options rather than a few logical options. (You still needed an invitation to have a livejournal.) I've decided that a better version of me should also require a better blog host. So, here I am.

Here, I will place thoughts, occurrences, sentiments.

I graduated with a BA in English. I have minors in Arabic and Comparative Religion. I have two jobs. I made more as a high school graduate. Such is life. I find what is standing in the way of me and a life I am pleased with is not a lack of dreams. Nor is it a crappy economy (though that doesn't help). I am quite aware that what is making me stand in my own way is fear. So, here I stand, figuratively. I am taking a stand (sit) to make myself a person I am not only proud of but a person I love. Not just the way I've been willing to love. No. That real love they sing about in songs. You know, the love that makes the words hurt on the way out. That makes it sound like a cry rather than a lyric. That love. Painful. Poetic. Beautiful. I will find it one day.

In me.

What stands in the way of that is a fear of being something different. I've decided to shoot for a new me rather than settle for someone I used to be. I will falter. But, this time, I will not fail.

-Theresa