Hey, Arizona.

Well, I'm still here. And so far, I'm not impressed. Really, it's that I miss the level of comfort created by a relatively steady income and friends. I miss knowing where I'm going and knowing where I can go. Okay, and I kind of miss long sleeves. I'm trying to make the best out of this situation. I am. I'm applying for jobs. I'm driving around. I'm looking stuff up when I have internet access. I'm trying. But it's really hard to make friends while not working or going to school. Put me near people and I'll make friends. But when there's no one I know but the people I live with, it's difficult.

And I sound like I'm whining.

I don't think I made a mistake coming out here yet. I just wish I didn't feel this way. I'm considering a fast food job just so I have somewhere to go during the day until my job starts. Anyone want to fly out and play? I'm pretty much free until September. I hear flights are really cheap right now. If I had the money, I'd fly to you. But that seems a little like giving up at this point. Although, I'm still considering the four Colorado shows in as many days thing.

I should've moved to Colorado.

-Theresa

I'm leaving Michigan

With my heart on my sleeve.

"My wife and my friends, we became a family here."

I'm in Tempe now. And how am I doing? I'm adjusting. I don't think I've ever had an especially difficult time with change but I'm having a difficult time this time. More than I expected I would, anyway. It's because I'm not busy. My job doesn't start until September. You had better believe I'm going to get a second job. I'm having trouble staying asleep in the morning and awake at night.

The heat doesn't bother me. It just doesn't feel like home. I guess I wasn't expecting it to but I was hoping to have a place that felt like home by now. And I guess I do; they're in Colorado.

I miss you more than I care to admit. But what am I supposed to do with that?

The sun is constantly shining out here. And I don't mind. But I've always found that the most beautiful pictures also have shadows. Somehow, even the night is too bright. I'm not complaining. I think I'll grow to enjoy the life I have year. And if I don't, it's only a year.

It's just... Shouldn't I know who I am by now? At least a little?

People I hardly know read my face. They read what it said and they understood the general sentiment. Regardless, I didn't take the time to correct the errors in translation.

I suspect that I'll feel more stable when I'm distracted during the day. I have a meeting on Tuesday to sort of figure out what I'll be doing at work. Monday, I think I'm going to go get a second job. I just don't feel like I belong here yet.

I might spend the rest of the evening writing letters. But I also want to go see 500 Days of Summer.

Soon, I'll try to have a more substantial update. We don't have internet at the apartment. It may take longer than I would like. Anyway, thanks for any encouragement you've thrown my way. Know that I've needed and appreciated it.

Greensky Bluegrass is playing in Mesa at the end of August. A little piece of home.

-Theresa

In our days, we will live

like our ghosts will live.

I am never so comforted by discomfort as when I am with you. There is always more to say but no need to. There is always more to understand. More to feel and see and want. But no need to.

I know what I would say now.

To be loved.

But me? To feel loved.

-Theresa

He's winning on the telephone

I maybe shouldn't post right now. But I need to do something to distract myself from everything that's going on. I kind of want to talk or be around people but there's no one around. My roommate is gone for the night with her now-husband. Most of the people I want to see are not anywhere close, busy or asleep. I need someone comfortable right now. Someone who would pray with me instead of asking questions I don't know the answers to. I need someone to talk to me and tell me that it will all work out for the best, even if it won't. Instead, I have a lease on an apartment that echoes because the furniture is gone.

When I get a mosquito bite, I can't tell until about fifteen hours later. My head knows that I was surrounded by mosquitos and my extremities were exposed so I was bound to have a bite or two even if I can't feel it. The problem is there but I can't tell yet. It's my body's delayed response. Eventually, I realize what happened and I'm really better off not knowing. I start to itch so I start to scratch. And I scratch and scratch and scratch until it doesn't really feel that good anymore but I just have to. I have to keep going because if I stop, it itches again and I'd rather scratch than itch.

You are my mosquito bite.

I feel ill at ease and out of place.

-Theresa

Brand, brand new

For Christmas last year, I included a mix CD with the gifts I gave my immediate family. My dad has mentioned a few times over the last few months that he still listens to it and it still trying to figure out exactly what I was trying to say. That was the point, I guess. I picked each song for a reason. It's how I make all my mix CDs. It's why they take so long to make.

I digress. I guess he sort of figured out what I was trying to say. He sent me a seven page poem in the mail to let me know. A friend I hadn't seen in a while came over right after I read it (coincidence) and I hadn't wiped all the tears off my face yet. By far, this is the best gift I have ever received. My dad understands.

Small excerpts:

"Music has been my salvation,
but don't tell Jesus."

"I've never loved December.
The truth be told,
I have a harder time with June."

"When we meet again,
we can compare notes."

"You're anything but ordinary.
A distinct and unique
Individual."

"So whoever will love you
should always
count their blessings.
Sort of like I count mine
when I think of your mother.
So whoever loves you
will dwell in triumph
and abandon their pain.
Whoever loves you
will wonder where you were
all of his life."

"Time for honesty.
Remember honesty?
I'll miss you.
But there's worse things
than that.
Like seeing an open door
that is meant for you
but never entered.
Enter!!!
Live. Right. Now."

I love my dad.

-Theresa