Few words could open me

But you knew them all.

I'm as confused as you are about what happened. But I didn't make any assumptions. And I didn't take any action. And I've made no reaction. The hang up is that I'm as genuinely confused as you say you are.

I wasn't angry. I'm still not angry. I could define what I am now as hurt. I could but I won't. There are no winners or losers in this situation. You declared your confusion with practiced strikes of a keyboard. I understood that "..." meant that you wanted some sort of response. You wanted closure or reconciliation. I refused to give you either. All I wanted to do was tear you down and I made promises to myself that I wouldn't do that anymore. I'm no longer in the habit of blaming others for the things that happen involving me. I'm no longer in the habit of blaming myself. Though you and I are no longer friends, elation doesn't begin to describe the feeling of again speaking to someone whose loss I didn't understand. I understand now. I am comforted by my decisions to neither tear you down nor offer friendship. While I do not hold your actions against you, I don't want you in my life. And I think that's okay.

While I could say these things to you instead of typing them here, I won't. While these words are not hidden and could be considered a passive-aggressive gesture, I believe you already know all these things are true. On some level, you understand.

It feels like I'm running away. But I'm not. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Just because I'm happy to leave things behind does not mean it was not the natural course to take. Yes, I'm leaving Kalamazoo and moving to Tempe. But it's because my heart is not in this place. And I know what that means.

I know where to be looking. Why am I not?

-Theresa