All in Good Time

But there's never really a good time for death. Unless, of course, you're writing a movie or television show.

My aunt passed away today. Lung cancer. Never smoked. My family (she has eight brothers and sisters and they're all married. Plus, she has kids.) are waiting in the hospital room until they get kicked out. And I can't commit to $800 for a plane ticket home. The rational part of me says that it's okay because I saw her on Christmas before machines were living for her. I saw her when she could walk and talk and laugh.

The Chaldean part of me?

You stupid bitch. She would go to your funeral if you died. And she wouldn't care how much it cost. She always asked about you. And what the fuck do you mean that you're not sure? Get your stupid ass on a plane and come home. Indefinitely. Your family needs you. Your mom needs you. Her sister just died. Your sister needs you. Her relationship just ended. Who cares that that's not related to your aunt?! Just buy the stupid ticket already! Stop figuring out how much each minute will cost you. $800 for 48 hours for the rest of your family will be priceless. Plus, that way, no one will give your mom shit for you not coming home.

Jeez, I am a selfish asshole.

-Theresa

Borrower

For the first time in my life, I bought a car. The two cars I've had in my life were leased for me. Because they were borrowed, I had no problem letting others drive my car for me. That and the crippling fear of driving. But today, I hit the thousand mile mark on my car. And I drove every one of those miles. That's the first time that's ever happened in a car that was "mine." I've done all the driving. I know that's not impressive at all to most people out there. But this is huge for me.

And yet, it all feels so similar. February and wondering why it is that the pieces still don't fit together just right. What is it that keeps friends from hearing the strain in my voice? All day today, I've really just needed to talk. So... I came to my blog.

What I really want to say: Last night, my ex-boyfriend texted me to say he was thinking of me. Why? It would have been better for us to have been friends right away than get random texts four months later. But maybe that's just me. And as for that guy I was seeing, well, I haven't heard from him in a few days. I suppose it's to be expected.

Actually, it's not. I'll admit it: I'm pretty fucking great, folks. So, maybe I can be a shitty friend because I'd rather stay in and watch a movie than go out and drink but there is no one in my life I let down more than myself. But that's always been me. I kind of just have to know: why do people keep giving up on me? I haven't given up on myself. Even when I make stupid decisions like eating nachos instead of a salad and reading instead of sleeping and being honest instead of not. And yet, I'm starting to believe that people want to be lied to. People don't want to hear the truth. I refuse to accommodate. I'd be letting myself down if I didn't remain the honest person that I am. And I can't do that anymore. I can't give up on myself if everyone else is going to.

I'm beginning to understand that all the time I spend in other people's lives is just borrowed. It's not really mine to keep. It's limited and eventually, I have to give it back. I mean, I worked in a library--not a bookstore. And even the promises of permanence seem to have expiration dates. But this car and those thousand miles--it feels really good to own them. To have known they were mine to keep. To know I won't have to give them back. And while a car is not permanent, I guess I wish I could feel that way about a few more things in my life.

-Theresa

A mantra, of sorts.

Or, Too Much (Not enough) Information

Help me, Fiber, for I can't shit.
It's been five days since my last excretion.

Oh, I so went there. My tummy hurts. I'm probably going to hell for using my Catholic background like this.

Looking for something pure

Twice now, I've received phone calls from you that break my heart and fill me with fire at the same time. Three hours ahead. Four and a half years behind. But Brother, I'm broken too. Don't you understand that when we hang up I wonder if it will be the last time? That I don't have anyone to talk to after we talk? That I'm lonely too? That there are worse things than pain and sadness? That I'm broken too? I can provide you with excuses and reassurance but I can't put you back together. I can't hold me together.

I can't not care. Sometimes, rarely, but sometimes, I wish I had someone like me in my life.

We watched it all night. We grew up in spite of it.

-Theresa

She says "wake up, it's no use pretending"

So I think I'm tired of skirting around issues. I'm going big for lack of want of going home. Where is that anyway? Yeah, I know. It's written on me. But it's lonely there. I mean, if we're getting to the heart of the matter. Ha.

That being said, my limited reader base, I've decided to declare this blog and my life a "bullshit free zone" (BSFZ). In this BSFZ, I don't lie or pretend like things don't matter. I am honest but still kind. I am true to myself because, damn it, if I'm not, who will be? I won't be so fucking sorry for everything I do. It's not that I won't feel remorse. I am still often sorry for things that I feel I could have changed for the better but didn't. It's just that I think there are healthier things to feel than sorrow for things that are outside of my control.

That being said, Things I'm Not Sorry For:

Telling you to turn your music down.
Telling you how you actually come across.
Drinking tequila.
Caring.
Being honest.
Feeling the way I feel.
Being the person that I am.
Loving you.
Not loving when I wasn't supposed to.
Making mistakes I learn from.
Wanting.
Apologizing and meaning it.

We are in the BSFZ. Here, all that matters is that you are yourself. Here, if you don't give a shit, don't expect me to. Here, I live my life as I believe it is intended to be lived. Or at least try to. If that's not good enough for you, I'm not going to be sorry. Good God, I think what I would be is relieved to no longer have you in my life. What I'm saying here is that I'm going to start putting thought and intentions to action. It's all good and great that I want to be someone better. It doesn't matter if I do nothing about it.

One will spread our ashes 'round the yard.

-Theresa