Contact

I stopped calling people as of Saturday night. The thing about not calling the people I'd been spending large amounts of time with is that none of them have called me either. I'm not really a one-sided kind of person.

You and me, we're not good for each other. Or at least, you're not good for me.

I've always wondered about people who don't call others. I used to be one of those people. I would just wait for people to call me. I'm not sure if it's a level of control or a relinquishing of control. I mean, it could be that you don't call people because you want others to call you will fully thought-out plans that you can then decide if you want to be a part of or not. Or you want nothing to do with the decision making process and take some of the better sounding opportunities as they arise. Or perhaps it's the ability to blame one's social shortcoming's on another person. I think that's why I used to do it. I thought I was too awkward and people didn't really want me around and that was proved by no one calling me. Really, I think, I didn't want to be rejected. Really, I think, it's just one more excuse.

Right now, I don't feel bad about myself. I think it's a testament to the relationships I've built. Both past and present. I think I'm okay with it. I think I'm okay with who I am. I'm not perfect and neither are you. But I know who I am. For the time-being, of course.

I wanted to write some profound thing about how if you want to matter to me, you should let me know. Or if you want me to care for you, you should do something about it. But that's not how it works. If you want me to care for you, continue being the person you are. If you want me to appreciate that person, keep doing the things you do. If you want me to tell you, well, there may need to be some level of contact. No, that's not even true. Not really. I've got my drawer full of letters. To you and to everyone else. Whether you get yours on not depends fully on the necessity of that letter being sent.

In the wise, oh-so-patronizing words of an old friend: "the phone works both ways." I'll be leaving soon. If we can't stay in contact in close proximity, there's little hope for later. It's not cynicism. It's experience.

I think.